Chalia

Cos I need to do this, and its what i keep this LJ around for.


I dont expect an easy life.

But from the time I was young, its what was given to me. and 'easy' life. A life of materialism. I was the here kid, have a toy to shut up. Thats what it was like for me, and to an extent, my sister. mum did it the most, dad somewhat. But it was mainly mum who did it.

Shao-Lin came to me, and i recall feeling so happy that there was someone who was like me, but everything that i wanted to be. I still dont know why she came, only that she did. Shadow joined us Latter, and we make a triad. A protection Triad.


After i was dx'd it got worse. In a way, i wish, I wish to god that i had never been told. That i didnt know that i had AS. Life.. would have been easier, and harder.

But i knew that i had it, and it hardly bothered me. Mainly as the adults started to pay me more attention, that i want getting my my classmates. And i liked the attention. It was a kind of love, in a way. Not the love that i crave to this day, but a love nonetheless.

And mum started to get distant, and tell me things. like i was a brat. I am not. I am not lazy. I am not anything that she told me. though years of that kind of stuff has cut deeply. Scared me. Hurt me. Made me vulnerable to those who got into the ice walls that i had brought up to protect me from any more hurt.

But then i got my cat, Jack, and everything changed. I had someone who loved me cos of me, who didnt care that i had melt downs or was frightened of the dark ect. He loved me for me. And when i lost him, it hurt, a lot. I lost a part of me that i'll never get back.

I was given things to shut me up, and i was sheltered a lot. By mum, and by Shao-Lin. Rules i had that my sister didnt. Or she faulted her in a way that i wish that i had the guts to. I think that the last time of a very limited number of times that I stood up for myself.. mum backhanded me and i feel down the stairs. I was 16 at the time, just after we has moved into the new house. Shao-Lin had told me time and tim eagain to stand up for myself.

I learnt that day that standing up to yourself doesnt do any good. It only brought me pain. So i stopped doing it. It wasnt getting me anywhere.

I recall the fact that i had to fight tooth and nail to be able to even control what little money that i started to get from centerlink after i turned 16. $375 a fornight. I bought my own PS2 with it. I was so happy.

And then i started to flaunt the rules like i;d seen zoe do. I stopped within a few months as the gains did not outweigh the risks.

the next time i stood up for myself was when i was 18 and fighting to be seen as an adult. And then i left home, only to end up back home a few months later. Mum wasnt happy, she told me that i was still a kid.

I believed her for the longest time. To much freedom at once is to much, or so she said. But i fought in my own way, and started to grow beyond what she could control.

I know the day that i started was when i stoped taking the meds that i was on. I hated them so much. and I have never looked back. Mum attempted to stuff me back on them time and time again, but I never took the bait.

I have grown, but I remain emotionally distant, as i know that i never really had a mother that i could conect with. She was just there. a bitch really who gave me things, then was distant. My sister stands up for me, but i know that she cares and whats to help me as much as she can, in her own way.

Dad is dad. Dad was the one i went to the most to talk to as a kid. cos he listened without judging, he told me that i am me, that i am a very pretty person.


But despite that, i still have trouble with my emotions. I have them, But i dont know how to handle it. I am learning though. slowly, painfully. But i am learning.

And to me, thats all that maters. I buy things as they make me happy, for a time. And then i need more. Love is what i need. I thought that i had it in skye, until she very publicly broke up with me.. in the school canteen on a very packed day. No warning, just out of the blue, or so it seemed. It hurt as, but i am more or less numb to it right now. Then again, i'm almost always numb now. I miss her love, but i cant get it back. :( So i just have to love on.

Only what i believe and know that i can do ultimately matters. The few close friends that i have know this well. They know the storm that is me.

And the know how to deal with it. Or i hope that they do.

As though I can change, I will still fundamentally be me.

some days i dont know why the fuck i bother with life.

this latest thing in my life has shown me that i cant trust hardly any one. and that hurts, but again, i should have known.

as i cant ever hold on to anything bloody good enough for to long. Kiya, who i think of as a great person, friend and maybe thers something more in there, had doubts placed into her mind by ForchanCookie. Forchan, who could have just as easily sujest naming generators and not flown off the handle. ugg - that is the kind of person that reminds me of a person that i knew for two years, but then i had to leave, as they wher starting to black mail me. now, i have written diarys and online privet blogs of that event. and i hate those kind of peoiple that are willing to judge without getting to know or even bother to give a second chance.

and what bothers me is this: if it was Deava or some other person that did what i did, then she would forgive them without a second glance, of that i am sure.

i dont mean to slander, i just put forth my view, dam the rest of the world and what the think of me for doing this.

i say what i want, thats who i am. i am sorry that the dramma happened, but then again, im not, as to me, i did nothing wrong in using names that i thought where good. but i guess that certin people dont see it that way.


i dont understand thatm, and i try to. i know that in the most amible person, but i do try to understand. the letter that forchan wrote - i feel that i did my best to understand it, but i feel cheted too as i dont get the impression that she tryed to understand me. i know that im not that easy to follow, but i did try, honsetly.

and so i feel cheated that she didnt, what seems to me, put in the same amount of effort as i did.

she called me an art thief and i would like to know how i am. i draw what is in my head and i do it in the colors that i see them in. i feel hurt as it, to me, demeans me for who i am. i do not steal art. why would i when i can draw. draw what i see in my head when im in the mode and have the energy. to me, that is the passion of art. you draw from the heart. and then it has emotion.

my sister echos this sentiment. she says that my art is a million times metter than those that draw as there obligated to. i draw a lot at times, and most of it never gets coloured, you know why? as i dont have the will to colour it. as i see the colours there, in my head.

and then i find that some ones gone belind my back - slandered me really - as there laughing at my art and spreading lies about me. and what lies, i wanna know.

what the hell is so FUNNY about going behind someones back? why? whay is so bloody amusing at times? i dont find it funny - you know why? most my schooling life, i was bullied and slandered. i have had slander put against me and so i hate it. i dont lie - i try not to lie to the best that i can, i dont slander - even if i do talk about people at times, but i dont say nasty things about them if i can help it, and i do unto others as i want done to me.

im just upset and frustated and saddened.

i have started to open up more than ever now, and i feel that i will soon close off again. and, yes, i am scared of that, very much so. as i dont like the me that i become when im like that. i dont. its scary for me personaly and then i have no idea what to do.

i just really, really dont see why life is currently so shit for me and a person that i care for.

i just really dont.

oh, please dont rant to me about my spelling right now, as i really dont care. im just staying how i feel and when im like this, i put down what comes to my head.

omfg what the fuck is wrong with ppl and why do they have to bash what they dont like?

and it was in a star wars site to - it bashed heavily one of the major things i am in love with in pairings..

Twincest.

yes, you herd me, i love incest in fandoms is between twins - bother sister, sister/brother, brother/brother. if its twins and they can be crossed... i like it. a lot. its a kink of mine that i will not ever give up.

its one of my kinks that nabs me big time.


i just dont get why ppl bash things like that, if its not your kink, then dont stick up a big fuss. OMFG those that do are drama queens to me and looking for attention. - i admit that i run around for attention, but i dont do it in the negative ways. and even if i dont get attention, im happy with spamming my LJ - after all, this MY LJ and i put what i want in here. and if i get comments, then im happy. if not, oh welll. ill still keep posting on LJ. ^__^ My LJ is not a democracy - though i do give the illusion that its one. In the end, ifs my LJ and if you dont like what i post, rant about then thers always the defriend option.

i dont like Ed/Alphonse, but i do like Ed/heindrich. i just dont openly advertise what i like in the so called taboo stuff as i get BASHED and told that im sick and wrong and all that.


i like what i like, and if you dont like it then move on, as i do bite when im majorly provoked. and i hate to make a fuss, but if push comes to shove, then i push back. hard.


though feel free to ask me what i like and what i dont. ^___^ i dont bite unless you bite first, thats my rule. im a fair person, though i have my limits.

remember, treat me with respect and ill treat you the same.

and if you dont like something, then dont bash it - you just look like s silly 12 year old.

I HATE being a female right now! fucking period mood swings and cramps and bitchyness!





Screw the world right now and screw my art.


fuck ppl and ther callous remarks to artists that put their heart and souls into ther work. fuck others that canr understand that sometimes, ppl are tought different art styles or styles of realism in there arts,

my style of realism in a mix of both true realism and anime.

got a problem with? i dont really care.

im stick of being told that 'but noses dont look like that,' or ' but the eyes are wrong. '

i do my best, its all that i can do. im only human. i do my best.

end of story,. i draw how i wantm, who i want, when i want.

now, im going to go boot up starcraft and kick the AIs ass a few times.

and then i might draw or not, depending on my mood.



-- oh, and i dont mean anyone in particular, this all built up frustration and what not thats been coming for amonth or so.

Edit] And im posting this at 11.50 am Aus time and XP I feel better, but im still posting the rant. As I want it to be READ!

And commented on.
And no, im not going to cut it, im not cutting any of the rants that I go on - even if there like four word pages long.
Sorry if I offend or clog up F-lists.


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Ok, so my PC is bitching and so am I going to have a big long bitch.

I need to. With my net playing fuck me around. The time is 7 am in the morning on sunday – aussie time. and I have no clue when im going t post this, other that its going to be a fucking long rant. And if I feel like it when I post this, I might cut the rant at midway point. Might not. Depends on my mood.

I just need to get this off my chest.

And if used of swearing and profanity offend you, don’t read. Though when I swear, I mean what I say. That’s just me.


First things first, I hardly love edvy any more. I’m starting to see Ed with Ling more and more. Im sorry, but that’s a fact, a gender switched Ed. I don’t care if I hurt anyone’s feelings. Im going to be blunt and frank and a bitch.

So if im going to offend you, then don’t fucking read. That’s all.

Ive kept my growing liking for Ed/Ling hidden – namely so that I wouldn’t hurt a certain persons feelings, but now, you know what? Screw that. Im going to have my little bitch fit and be all pissy and cold hearted. I am starting to see more and more EdLing – namely a Girl!Ed/ling. And im starting to drift back to my OTP Roy/Ed. Yes, I never stoped liking them. Their my first love of FMA. I don’t care if its statutory rape or whatever as here in Aussie, the age of consent for sex is 16. that’s what im basing it on.

Ed/Ling is also possible, namely as I can see Ed going with Ling for whatever reasons he has. Edvy is… well… to put it bluntly… the only thing that keeps me to Edvy is the fact that if I want, I could put Envy as a female and get him preggy with Eds kids. Ditto for Ed. That’s all really.

And another thing… I crave RPs whenever, I don’t rely on my fucking moods to RP.

Dammit, its fucking Role play, to me it’s the same as acting, only typing it in words. You don’t have to be in the mood to act, so to me, why should you have to be in the mood for a sadist RP? Ive done sadistic when im in the most calmest mood that you know of. After all, I have this mind set that says ‘ yea, im going to be that, that and that’ and I stick to it.

And on the same rant vein, another thing that I hate is this,. When im on AIM RPing and talking to the person on MSN and suddenly they ask me what direction to take the RP in, I get so fucking frustrated as it just annoys me to no end. I don’t wanna know your dramas for deciding whether or not to go with calm, collected Archer or bastard!Kimblee. I wanna be surprised. I wanna have to think of what to reply to next in the RP and not deal with OOC dilemmas in what to do for the role that you’re playing. Im sorry if I have offended, but that is just me. And right now, im telling it as it is.

Oh, and another thing I hate – no LOATHE to the core of me is when say two muses get into a fight – ie: yours and mine - one of the muse-owners rushes into to save the day. I hate that, say muse A sets fire to muse B instead of having Muse C putr it out or whatever, the muse owner ruses in to save the day. For fucks sake, their fucking muses. They come back to life. Get over yourselves and stop coddling them. And if they want to duel then don’t step in and give such and muse a better weapon than the other muse has. Get one of the other muses to give me the same weapon. For god sakes, its like a role play, only not formal! You don’t go inserting yourself into a RP now do you? Unless your incredibly STUPID and self-centred that is.

The only exception I like is when you HAVE to interact with the muses. Something like this:

Silver: Whines Why did You have to use me as an example? I have things to be stealing.
ME: Shut up and just do as you’re told, Silver.
Silver: yes, Ma’am.

Or when your muses do thinks that you don’t really agree with, and you don’t want to be associated with them. Or when you don’t want them to go bugging for Crossovers and shit – NOTE: I do NOT think that crossovers are shit. I like them, I find them enjoyable, but only if both partly are willing. - as they want to play with another’s muses that they would not normal play with. Its fine if you have the time, but other wises its annoying. And I have one fucking bastard annoying muse called Rhys Kimblee that wants to bring one of someone who I look up to in the art world – muse into his world for an ‘extended’ stay. Im against that as I know what the muse means. Kidnap and run off to have porn with until he gets bored and then toss the muse away and forget that he dragged the poor other muse into his world. Im not letting that happen. As much fun as it would be im against it as I don’t like doing that sort of stuff to unwilling muses. And I wont be doing it either. And if my muse does do it, ill kill them in a way where they will NOT come back to life. I have don’t it before to muses.


Something along the lines like that. Normally, im just this big unknown voice to the muses that live in muse-world. Im not there with them unless I need to be, or I want to be with my favoured muses. Other than that, im the Creator, this big mysterious thing that yanks on them when I need them. And who they send all the ideas to.

Im not going to name any names, not yet. I don’t feel that cruel and heartless.

And on the same vein as RPing, I have over 17 muses that I have to play just for one RP – to >b>MANY I just want 5-6 muses. I want in this order : Ryoko, Zac, Rhys, Calista, Charlton and Greed. I want to bring others into the RP to help ease the strain on me. Im also a writer and I have a novel to write and that has 6 – 8 main muses that are feeling VERY neglected. Im willing to sit down with each possible candidate, share logs and data and then bring them in on the RP. It would be so much easier on me, as then im not stressing out all the time.

Again, im sorry if I have offended, hurt any ones feelings, but as I said, im being a bitchy lioness right now.

And now, back to my rants on pairings. >D oh, and if you haven’t figured it out, im not cutting this as I feel like a hateful bitch right now. But to spare your f-lists, ill cut it here. Maybe.

To tell the truth, im starting to get bored of it. I still like it… then again, I don’t. im starting to ship more and more to Archer/Roy, Greed/Kimblee, Archer/Kimblee and Archer/Kimblee/Roy. I don’t know why, but I I like the dynamitics that I see in there, the abuse of power/ misuse of military conduct gets me. I can see Archer forcing Roy to uke to him and Kimblee. I can see Roy squirming his way into Archers life and then Archer no letting go of the powerful flames, and in the threesome, I can see Archer wanting both alchemists as his. Just as hes a power-hungry bastard. I mean, he went after Kimblee, so what’s really stopping him from going after Roy? Nothing in my mind.

But still… I feel like I have to like Edvy still, even if I don’t. Its drifting for me. Its moving on. And im sorry be blunt and open like this. But then again, im not.

Maybe its to do with the fact that I have, all up, just over 30 RP muses that I portray. More than half are from my sec gen RP that I do with Kiya. i cant keep up and im falling behind, sliding to my comfort zone of five or six muses.

And it certainly does not help that I have been bitten in the ass with the very first RP kids that I created, WAY back in June last year after seeing that ep of Roy and Archer and Kimblee on the train. But back then I didn’t have the guts, or the courage to seek out any other RPers,. So I developed them, and then stuck them in to storage. Almost 5 mths later, I found Dae's work, I was hocked on Edvy then, to scared that my OT3 would be rejected. So I hid and created Zac and Sean – my gate baby twins of the Elrics. That are, in fact, Sin. They just don’t bear the mark as their not mature. They where born of Fem!Envy, age 7 they went thru the gate back into Shamballa. While in the gate, they’re genetics where screwed around with turning Zac into a pseudo gate, and Sean into a sort of switch. There twins and they go to together, in my very first draft, I had them as VERY close – to the point of kissing and what not. But I had to modify that as I didn’t want to offend the RPer that I talked into playing Sean. Of course, Seans gone off in a different direction that what I wanted, same with Ryan.

Yes, I did almost all of the work in creating most of the Kimblee kids. I wanted Ryan to be more of a badass. Top originally have Rhys personality, and for Rhys to be more like Kimblee, with a mix of Ryan and Genvias personality. But no, he didn’t turn out that way. Hell, I did most of the work in creating the main kids for each family, Zac and Sean, Calista and Charlton, Rhys and Ryan. I came up with the name Bianca, though I haven’t put much work into that one. Yes, I am feeling bitter, I don’t give a fuck.

So, back to my first RP kids ever. I did a 'what if' after seeing a movie – Mr Mom it was, and then took that one step further and took Kimblee and Roy and turn them into girls.

Then I stuck Ria my first ever Fem!Roy – into a loveless marriage of convenience and blackmail to Archer, then pulled in Kimberly, my Fem!Kimblee and made her my archers mistress that he loved.

From Ria and Archer came their only son, Leonidas. Cold hearted, cruel, manipulative, bastard, emotionless and a fucking good liar. All of that comes from the fact that his mother doesn’t love him, hates his father and his father only sees him as a tool to shape and mold into the next fuhrer – and his official Heir.

From Kimmy and Archer came Ceres – a spoilt brat, two years younger than Leon. She gets what she wants and she hates her half brother, calling him cold and cruel. In return, Leon hates her and thinks that shes not worth his fathers love. And then Zeicha came along, three years younger than Leon. Hes the baby of the bunch and is spoilt, though he is kind and compassionate, though his father wants him to be ruthless as well. His mother wants him to be able to detach himself. Leonidas just wants to screw his perfect brother into the ground. after all, back in June, i didnt believe that those three could EVER raise normal children.

But yea, there my first RP kids and yes, I have the data file in my note book. I typed that up word for word. Ill scan it it in if you don’t believe me.

Their who I want to start an RP com for. And I want an Archer RPer and a Kimblee RPer that can do them, both would be better, but if they could take a parent a kid, it would be even better. And if there are those that have pairings with an Archer in then or what ever, then we could make then live together.

…. But, its not going to happen as I have this RPer that’s possessive to the point where its stiffing me and my creativity. *Sighs* im not even sure if I love them like they love me.

Have you ever thought that you love someone, but your not sure, not sure if what you feel is love, or just lust? That’s what im feeling, confusion over my feelings. And im fucking afraid to talk to her about them so im spamming and rapping F-lists with my drama. That I refuse to cut. Im just being a bitch. Mostly as im having a bad week. A VERY bad week.

I think that the rout of all this is stemming from the fact that I don’t feel good enough. Not good enough to hold only to anything good,. Like the house. We – my sister Zoe, Chris and I rent this place, and we just found out – in the last fucking four days, that its been sold. So I might be moving back to live with my mum = that I do not wanna do. Shes a fucking conservative, with stupid ass views on what reg working hours are, is against me being bi, is against me working night shifts and is a bitch, and to make matters worse, we both clash.

I don’t wanna move and I pry to go that I don’t have to, that the ones that bought the house are investors and well let us stay here for the 12 mth lease and then give us another lease. I like it here, I want to live here, I like living on my own, without parents in my life. Free to be myself and stay up to when ever I want.

Life is so fucking unfair and I hate it. And I will admit that it makes me want to get out my trusty pocket knife and start to cut my arms again. Yea, im a cutter, im a damned cutter and I know that ill be going to hell or whet ever the fuck there is after life.

As after all, i am just a spastic. an Autistic girl like me would never be good enough for all the good things in life that others get, huh? Don’t deny it, I see it in the eyes of the world every day. The world scorns those that are different, and I hate it! I hate the ignorance of what its like to live with Aspergers syndrome, what its like to live a life, knowing that your different, knowing that there are ppl out there that see you as retarded, even if you are bright and smart and clever. And you do the fucking best that you can.

I know that I never had perfect grades, I know that my fucking personal hygiene ain’t the best, but I try. I try and try and try and when the light is in my grasp, it’s yanked away from me cruelly,

God, I hate life and yet I don’t wanna die. after all, I have to much life and love in me to give up. Give up on this world just yet. After all, I wanna show up the world that would cast me out into the dirt and trod on me .

So now, im going to log off, work on my art and work on my novel.

I don’t feel like logging onto MSN or AIM. After all, if I do, ill just end up ranting and raving all the more, and I don’t wanna be a burden to those that I know.

Oh, and if your going to just flame for not cutting this, then I don’t give a fuck. You can go eat your flames and charboil yourself.

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Gah!

I think that ther might be a copy cat out ther that goes by the name of 'ReiArcher' on LJ.

god, i hope it is one and then i can report it to the abuse team at LJ. if they are a copy cat, then they dont have any creatively at all and are just copying others, its rather annoying really.

but of they got bunnied by it, then its ok - i guess. but if not... i swear that i WILL unless my muses - all 500 of them - onto the copy cat. and report them.

or spam there LJ.

grr! it just makes me so mad that that happens. i mean, i know that i was bunnied from a single pic by Dae when i was surfing the net last year in Dec. and i had NO clue that she had an RP going at the time. so i made my own RP with invidia1988  - my love of my life. and have been on and off RPing it for a while now. almost 3 months now. and i just started to posting info and art up on my journal and now this happens. it makes me weary of posting anything RP related up on this journal now.

so much so that i am thinking of making an LJ just for my RP stuff, called Brokens_Muses. it sucks as i dont want to have to do that, but if i have to, i will.

fucking copycats. and i think that i know where this 'rei' got the idea too.

FMA_RP_Haven. My lover and i started that come up in hopes of RPing our AU!AU!RP Archer family there. we put up small bios of them an everything an are just waiting for others to join now.

though if copy cats are going to happen, then that comm might have to shut done or end up being mod'd posting.

anyways, in other news, im going to the Brisbane Supanova Con at the RNA showgrounds in April! XDDDD Im going as Greed - namely as im to lazy to try and make an Archer uniform in under a month. ^___^ but i will post pics and all of my day/s there! XD i might even buy some stuff! like Roy, Archer, Greed, Kimmy, Ed and Envy figurines. !!!!!!! then i can have them make my OT6! EdxEnvyxRoyxArcherxKimbleexGreed. My OT6 is an orgy! >XD