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broken_envysome days i dont know why the fuck i bother with life.
this latest thing in my life has shown me that i cant trust hardly any one. and that hurts, but again, i should have known.
as i cant ever hold on to anything bloody good enough for to long. Kiya, who i think of as a great person, friend and maybe thers something more in there, had doubts placed into her mind by ForchanCookie. Forchan, who could have just as easily sujest naming generators and not flown off the handle. ugg - that is the kind of person that reminds me of a person that i knew for two years, but then i had to leave, as they wher starting to black mail me. now, i have written diarys and online privet blogs of that event. and i hate those kind of peoiple that are willing to judge without getting to know or even bother to give a second chance.
and what bothers me is this: if it was Deava or some other person that did what i did, then she would forgive them without a second glance, of that i am sure.
i dont mean to slander, i just put forth my view, dam the rest of the world and what the think of me for doing this.
i say what i want, thats who i am. i am sorry that the dramma happened, but then again, im not, as to me, i did nothing wrong in using names that i thought where good. but i guess that certin people dont see it that way.
i dont understand thatm, and i try to. i know that in the most amible person, but i do try to understand. the letter that forchan wrote - i feel that i did my best to understand it, but i feel cheted too as i dont get the impression that she tryed to understand me. i know that im not that easy to follow, but i did try, honsetly.
and so i feel cheated that she didnt, what seems to me, put in the same amount of effort as i did.
she called me an art thief and i would like to know how i am. i draw what is in my head and i do it in the colors that i see them in. i feel hurt as it, to me, demeans me for who i am. i do not steal art. why would i when i can draw. draw what i see in my head when im in the mode and have the energy. to me, that is the passion of art. you draw from the heart. and then it has emotion.
my sister echos this sentiment. she says that my art is a million times metter than those that draw as there obligated to. i draw a lot at times, and most of it never gets coloured, you know why? as i dont have the will to colour it. as i see the colours there, in my head.
and then i find that some ones gone belind my back - slandered me really - as there laughing at my art and spreading lies about me. and what lies, i wanna know.
what the hell is so FUNNY about going behind someones back? why? whay is so bloody amusing at times? i dont find it funny - you know why? most my schooling life, i was bullied and slandered. i have had slander put against me and so i hate it. i dont lie - i try not to lie to the best that i can, i dont slander - even if i do talk about people at times, but i dont say nasty things about them if i can help it, and i do unto others as i want done to me.
im just upset and frustated and saddened.
i have started to open up more than ever now, and i feel that i will soon close off again. and, yes, i am scared of that, very much so. as i dont like the me that i become when im like that. i dont. its scary for me personaly and then i have no idea what to do.
i just really, really dont see why life is currently so shit for me and a person that i care for.
i just really dont.
oh, please dont rant to me about my spelling right now, as i really dont care. im just staying how i feel and when im like this, i put down what comes to my head.
this latest thing in my life has shown me that i cant trust hardly any one. and that hurts, but again, i should have known.
as i cant ever hold on to anything bloody good enough for to long. Kiya, who i think of as a great person, friend and maybe thers something more in there, had doubts placed into her mind by ForchanCookie. Forchan, who could have just as easily sujest naming generators and not flown off the handle. ugg - that is the kind of person that reminds me of a person that i knew for two years, but then i had to leave, as they wher starting to black mail me. now, i have written diarys and online privet blogs of that event. and i hate those kind of peoiple that are willing to judge without getting to know or even bother to give a second chance.
and what bothers me is this: if it was Deava or some other person that did what i did, then she would forgive them without a second glance, of that i am sure.
i dont mean to slander, i just put forth my view, dam the rest of the world and what the think of me for doing this.
i say what i want, thats who i am. i am sorry that the dramma happened, but then again, im not, as to me, i did nothing wrong in using names that i thought where good. but i guess that certin people dont see it that way.
i dont understand thatm, and i try to. i know that in the most amible person, but i do try to understand. the letter that forchan wrote - i feel that i did my best to understand it, but i feel cheted too as i dont get the impression that she tryed to understand me. i know that im not that easy to follow, but i did try, honsetly.
and so i feel cheated that she didnt, what seems to me, put in the same amount of effort as i did.
she called me an art thief and i would like to know how i am. i draw what is in my head and i do it in the colors that i see them in. i feel hurt as it, to me, demeans me for who i am. i do not steal art. why would i when i can draw. draw what i see in my head when im in the mode and have the energy. to me, that is the passion of art. you draw from the heart. and then it has emotion.
my sister echos this sentiment. she says that my art is a million times metter than those that draw as there obligated to. i draw a lot at times, and most of it never gets coloured, you know why? as i dont have the will to colour it. as i see the colours there, in my head.
and then i find that some ones gone belind my back - slandered me really - as there laughing at my art and spreading lies about me. and what lies, i wanna know.
what the hell is so FUNNY about going behind someones back? why? whay is so bloody amusing at times? i dont find it funny - you know why? most my schooling life, i was bullied and slandered. i have had slander put against me and so i hate it. i dont lie - i try not to lie to the best that i can, i dont slander - even if i do talk about people at times, but i dont say nasty things about them if i can help it, and i do unto others as i want done to me.
im just upset and frustated and saddened.
i have started to open up more than ever now, and i feel that i will soon close off again. and, yes, i am scared of that, very much so. as i dont like the me that i become when im like that. i dont. its scary for me personaly and then i have no idea what to do.
i just really, really dont see why life is currently so shit for me and a person that i care for.
i just really dont.
oh, please dont rant to me about my spelling right now, as i really dont care. im just staying how i feel and when im like this, i put down what comes to my head.
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no subject
Date: 2007-06-16 06:55 am (UTC)life is good. it can suck sometimes but ya gott make the best of it.
ya know, if you werew takin names from these people, I don't think thay['e exactly gonna wanna cuddle up to you and offer you alternatives. they're mad yo! you don't get a pet on the head and a helpful segguestion. if all you showed her is that you're good at taking things and being a jerk, why's sho goota be your friend? sides. weren't you lke denying being wrong? so why would giving you thigns like that change the situation?
and i gotta point out, aren't you judging these people like you say they're judging you? do you know them? or doeds the only reaond you know them through this mess? if that's the case, you're not gonna see the best of people when you mess with them. you are doing the same exact thing you say they're going huh? you don't konw them, so you can't judge either. its hypocritikal
i tried to like, figure out this situation. i followed that fortune cookie link to the big journal post. i think 8if you ignore all the other parts of it, the most important part is this part.
"Had you used one or two names, everyone would have simply laughed at the coincidence and moved on with life. As you continue to point out, names don't really fall under any sort of copyright. Every person is free to name their characters what they will, but when every single name that we've conceived has mysteriously appeared in your cast of characters it's just too much for anyone with half a brain to take."
they're saying "it's ok if you borrow a name or two, but when you take all of them you cross the line." it's not so hard to understand. it's like, me going through and taking all your names and making me own novel manga thingy writh? one or two names ain't a big deal, but you got a buttload of names an dif i took them all you'd kill me (no i ain't gonna take e'm.)
you siad you apologized to these people, but then you just took it all back. you said "i am sorry that the dramma happened, but then again, im not, as to me, i did nothing wrong in using names that i thought where good." so you just made your apology like not exist. but youre wrong. cause if you took all of their names like they say, you did wrong. you're just not admittng it and that ain't right girl. you can't do that kinda stuff and expec pteople to just not care. it dont work that way. how can you not understand why they're mad? i think it's pretty obviius.
again, i gotta tell you you got some unreasonable expectations of people. you say you're making this big effort, but you keep taking it back and denying you did stuff. but you did do stuff. you just keep pretdnging that you didn't and you're innocent. i'm sorry, but it really looks like you ain't. you're just like hiding or something. you scared of being wrong mabye? afarid that maybe some of its writhe? not callin you a theif but if you take things, that's what they call people who take things.
i wanna keep answeing you cause i wanna be helpful but my head really hurts. if you want i can continue this tomorrow. you can have tome to thing about what i said. and like i said, i'm sorry i didn't write it pretty like last time but my head is really hurtin and i need to go to bed.
no subject
Date: 2007-06-19 01:52 am (UTC)butm, the thing is, i didnt steal the names. i took thenm oyut of my baby name books. i know that i cant prove it, but still.. that is what i did. the same with novel muses.
but it doesnt matter now. its over and done with and were all trying to move on as far as i know.
i did stupid things, and i just want to put it at rest now.
and i know that i have idealist views of others, and its back fring on me. but i just want to put this all behind me, and move one.
i have other stuff to worry about now. my night mares of my own dark past.
and its ok - i sont really care for nice things when if you type it the way are, it means more to me. it worth reading, but if you put it as it comes from you, its truer to yourself. or, thats the way i see it.