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[personal profile] broken_envy
Please note that i havnt bother to spell scheck this. >d im typing as it comes to my head.

Why do I even fucking bother with fandoms at times?

I don’t know – as im obsessed with them. I like to RP – a LOT! So what? I rp as its fun and takes my mind of things that happen in my oh so not prefect life. I don’t give a shit if im passive/aggressive or what ever, I am me and if you don’t like that heres a hint – defriend me now. cous from now on out, im goig to be my self and im not changing.

Yes, I am a bitch undernearth my friendly person. Get over it.

Ive had a gut full of trying to impress others, trying to fit in. I care for those that I have made friends with, yes, but I am also a cruel and vindictive little bitch if you must know. I can and will hold a grudge for a long time. so what? I’m allowed to. I’m allowed to be myself on here – I don’t have to hide behind maskes and if you have a problem with that, then leave me alone!

i have night mares of my past – I worry that Lindsey Chapman, who whent by the sn Kauket or Amonet or Aphophet when I knew her – will come back to ruin me more than she already did. But she not the preson that im scared of the most.

Im scared of a man online called Damien Aronath. He took EVERY thing from me. My self esteem, my didgnity, my self worth and a lot more with his mental mind fuckery. I hate him, and yet im scared of him. im scared that if he shows up again, ill fall back into the traps of his, that I’ll debase myself worth just be lied to again and again.

And now the recent events in my life – ther bringing this all to the for. I fear that someone close to me is lieing to me, telling me that things are alright when there not. im scared of that as its start to make me thing back to the time of Lindsey. She did this. She did this to me. She used me and lied to me.

I hate her. And I hate any one that does it to me - using me and lieing to me that is. I know that I am not perfect – no one is. I know that I say that I don’t lie, and I try my hardest not to lie. I had my mouth washed out so many damn times with soup by my grandmother that its not funny.

Ki also have dreams that leave me scared shitles s that im going to be forcedoced back on to drugs to make me ‘mentally stable’ or what ever. I hate them. hatedrugs of all kinds. Io idont need them and don’t tell me that I fucking do cousin I don’t. my life was fine until they screwed with me head.

Im happy being a fucking retared person cous it makes me me. Get over it. Im happy as I am and I don’t and am not willing to change. I’m just feed up with a lot of shit right now and the dtress of it all and my one opening to distress is being denined to me and that’s setting me even more on edge. Yes, I find that torment my muses is distressing to me as it helps me unwind. So what if I like scaring the shit out of Roy or Ed or Kimblee or who ever my muse is? Its FUN to me. As I can get lost in the metions that they feel and I unwind that way.

Take that away from me, and you get one VERY stressed and VERY pissy Seme. Its my anti-drug. I don’t wanna talk about real life all the time. I wanna RP and lose myself in worlds that are fantasy. I wanna distress and not worry about RL. Why? as I don’t like worrying about RL that much.

And I don’t take about my novel much either. Why? as I just don’t. I don’t trust that well. at all. im paranoid.

But with all this happening… im getting scared and im thinking of leaving the line world for a bit – just like certin ppl want – oh, they know they are. Ther the ones that are triggering this all in. and triggering it badly. I have mad a lot of mistakes in my life, but none of them I want to recall. I want to move of from them, but I don’t know how to when im hitting rock botton and have to be carefull with what I say and do as I don’t know who to trust. I don’t know if I can trust any one. And that’s a painfull fact to me as I want to trust.

But how can you when you haven’t really been able to trust scince grade 2? How can you trust when you have suffered bullieing and teasing and cold remarks?

Its hard to stay optimisic without your life line to hold onto at times and im starting to sink under again, close off.

And when I close off, ill leave this LJ and start a new one. Try to start again,. And put the past behind me. I don’t wanna do that, but… I don’t really see any other options.

I just wanna have fun, and not think to hard on things. But I cant right now, and im lost. And im confuzzed and im hurting inside. Deeply. I belive in karma that what you give give is what you get returned. And I try and live by that. But im not every good at it am i? no, im not.

Im not going to try and be prefect any more, or be sorry for the things that I cant change, or the past. What is done is done and all I can hopefor is that I move on. Move on to other things, and be true myself.

I don’t know if I can do that though. I want to be myself, but I cant – not in a socity that deems what is normal and what is not. I want to be my self in all my werid ways.

And I don’t wanna care what others think of me, but I do. Why? as I crave to be acknoleged for things that I do. For efforts that I make. Am I not even good enough for that? Am I just destined to be braned a lair and a thief for ever? Im not them and I know that even though I can prove it, ppl wont accept.

It shouldn’t hurt, but it does. To me, its like a sting to my oride… and to my ego. And what do I even bother at times…

To talk to pple that don’t give a shit? To try and be nice to other artists and writers even if they don’t respect me.

I don’t know – all I know is that right now, im VERY confused and lost and im not emoing, im just spilling my guts to a world that I doubt really cares.

After all… it is a strange world that we live in and I only see people talking and they only tell lies – or mostly lies.

And, at the end of the day – who will save us from ourselfves? That what I wanna know.

Next post will be a music post.


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January 2009

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