broken_envy | Thoughts and feelings and depressingness ahead. (Reply)

I – I …..

Where do I start? So much on my mind….

Too much at times... And listening to ‘Bring me to life’ doesn’t help.

I guess… I guess that I feel lonely. I have few friends – to few- and even few outlets in my life.

I like to RP, a LOT. But only really have one RP friend that I cab RP with. And it’s depressing really. I look at others that I admire, and at the RP worlds and realms that they have created with there friends and I feel….

I feel sad, and so fucking lonely.

I mean, one other RPer can only go so much, and so far, before it starts to get predictable…. And dare I say it…

Boring.

We have a shit load of characters – three FMA familles really. Kimblee, Archer and Elric – and when I look at it, I see characters getting left behind, or left out. And that makes me sad. And it hurts. As there such good characters and now they’re going to waste.

i….. I feel so sad about that. That there world is dieing. That the lesser characters are dieing… fading away.

Fuck… I’m crying… and I hardly ever cry. But it’s the song, Feel by Robbie Williams…. It reflects my own inner most feelings about my life that I live so much. And it hurts to listen to the song. * turns it off to another song,*

And there’s his one RPer – I LOVE her art and practically worship – and now I feel like that I have imposed on her.

And I HATE that.

I hate imposing on people.

And yet… I desperately want to RP with her, so much so that I feel like I’m imposing on her. And that makes me feel down. Very down.

God, now I’m aghasting.

But writing it down helps. And I need to change the layout to my LJ as well.

Fuck, I don’t know.

On one hand…. I just want to say sorry and not e so pushy or imposing. And go back to lurking on her journal and worshiping her art.

On the other hand…

I want to stop RPing altogether.

Or, at least find some more RPers that are interest in gender swap / gender switch – how ever it is done, Greed, Roy Mustang, Frank Archer, Edward Elric, Envy and Zolf Kimblee. And dimension rifts.

And any pairings that arise from those six.

I know that it will be hard, as maybe like half that list isn’t liked. But still, I will try.

I want to try.

I want…. To try…

To create a circle of friends that I can RP with, and that all the circle are friends.

It…. It would have been nice to join her circle …. Just once… for one RP…

But…

I guess not….

That its not going to happen...

I’ll just have to set aside my disappointment… and move on.

It’s not like I got my hopes up any ways…

As they always shatter.

So now, I’m going to go and be emo and go cut myself and drown out my hurt and sorry in pain. It helps a bit.

And in real life also, I’m rather depressed right now.

My cat of almost 13 years has kidney problems and may or may not have cancer. I hope that he doesn’t, as I don’t wasn’t to lose him.

He means so much to me, my Jack. He’s a beautiful cat. So cute and cuddly and seek and majestic. And he was a gift from a childhood friend that I have since lost contact with.

But I have to wait. I’m taking him to the vets on Tuesday. So I’ll find out then.

Even thinking of it makes me sad.

So I’ll change the topic.

Prediction of Commitment. An RP that me and invidia are doing. It’s a second generation and gender swapish RP.

I plan to start to fic it soon. Though it will be slow and painful, and I will have to do lots of re-typing and rewording so that it flows like a story.

Even if it doesn’t have much of a plot yet. ^___^

Ill post it here, maybe on a comm., and on fanfiction.net.

I’m also going to start up writing another RP too, that im calling ‘A Wolves Love.’

Mine and invidia’s hunter RP that has a lot of smut. ^______^

Well… now I have typed that… I feel slightly better.

But now I have to spell check it.

X_____X