Upset

some days i dont know why the fuck i bother with life.

this latest thing in my life has shown me that i cant trust hardly any one. and that hurts, but again, i should have known.

as i cant ever hold on to anything bloody good enough for to long. Kiya, who i think of as a great person, friend and maybe thers something more in there, had doubts placed into her mind by ForchanCookie. Forchan, who could have just as easily sujest naming generators and not flown off the handle. ugg - that is the kind of person that reminds me of a person that i knew for two years, but then i had to leave, as they wher starting to black mail me. now, i have written diarys and online privet blogs of that event. and i hate those kind of peoiple that are willing to judge without getting to know or even bother to give a second chance.

and what bothers me is this: if it was Deava or some other person that did what i did, then she would forgive them without a second glance, of that i am sure.

i dont mean to slander, i just put forth my view, dam the rest of the world and what the think of me for doing this.

i say what i want, thats who i am. i am sorry that the dramma happened, but then again, im not, as to me, i did nothing wrong in using names that i thought where good. but i guess that certin people dont see it that way.


i dont understand thatm, and i try to. i know that in the most amible person, but i do try to understand. the letter that forchan wrote - i feel that i did my best to understand it, but i feel cheted too as i dont get the impression that she tryed to understand me. i know that im not that easy to follow, but i did try, honsetly.

and so i feel cheated that she didnt, what seems to me, put in the same amount of effort as i did.

she called me an art thief and i would like to know how i am. i draw what is in my head and i do it in the colors that i see them in. i feel hurt as it, to me, demeans me for who i am. i do not steal art. why would i when i can draw. draw what i see in my head when im in the mode and have the energy. to me, that is the passion of art. you draw from the heart. and then it has emotion.

my sister echos this sentiment. she says that my art is a million times metter than those that draw as there obligated to. i draw a lot at times, and most of it never gets coloured, you know why? as i dont have the will to colour it. as i see the colours there, in my head.

and then i find that some ones gone belind my back - slandered me really - as there laughing at my art and spreading lies about me. and what lies, i wanna know.

what the hell is so FUNNY about going behind someones back? why? whay is so bloody amusing at times? i dont find it funny - you know why? most my schooling life, i was bullied and slandered. i have had slander put against me and so i hate it. i dont lie - i try not to lie to the best that i can, i dont slander - even if i do talk about people at times, but i dont say nasty things about them if i can help it, and i do unto others as i want done to me.

im just upset and frustated and saddened.

i have started to open up more than ever now, and i feel that i will soon close off again. and, yes, i am scared of that, very much so. as i dont like the me that i become when im like that. i dont. its scary for me personaly and then i have no idea what to do.

i just really, really dont see why life is currently so shit for me and a person that i care for.

i just really dont.

oh, please dont rant to me about my spelling right now, as i really dont care. im just staying how i feel and when im like this, i put down what comes to my head.