* sigh* cant sleep...

Well... im sitting her at 2.45 AM in the morning - Aussie time, and i can honsetly say that im not going to get ant skleep.

what? aside for a muse being whining, memories of Him are comeing back.

the one thats hurt me so baddly.

broken me and made me fear so much.

he hurt me, deeply. he scared me in ways that i will NEVER forget.

i go involed with the wrong person and im still paying for it.

i always will, i know that. to live in fear of being hurt again, to never really trust...

its hard on me and i know that i do my best to cover up the pain in my soul. fuck, i used to enjoy RPing with vampires untill he mentally fucked with my mind.

DamienAranath... i will never for give him.

i meet him in a chat room and i feel hard and i fell fast for him for his power that he had, orthe fact that he was a vampire. i was - and still am, very much hooked on vampires - but im scared of them. allbecause of what happened.

im not going to go into detail, but enough to say that i had my mind fucked with and my trust destroyed,. i was jerked around and now im paying for it.

it hurts... it still hurts so baddly as i did love him. but he just used me, fucked me up and when i did leave him, i took to being a cyber slut, cybering who ever wanted me. i did it all. i fucked myself up motre as at the time, its all that i thought that i was worthy of - to be a fucked up cunt.

and then i started to RP, and i dived in to the fandoms, hoping that by RPing, it would all go away.

and dfor a while, it did.

but now... its not.. and im falling.


and i dont know if i'll beable to save myself this time..

i really dont.

Uggg..

ugg... three hours sleep is good - but not oif you have restless sleep.

havent seen jack at all either this morning - i hope that hes just hiding at its windy. ^___^

going to try and get somemore sleep.

Stuffs.

Well, last night i talked with Yuriko on yahoo - started out with my roy muse demading RP on my status thingy.

let me get the straight first though.

i RP to escape my own past, the stupid things that i have done in the past.

i RP to escape my own mental guilt and to try and forget about it as best i can.

and its mostly worked, up untill now.  Kiya and i used tio RP alsmot every day, but now...

now she keeps pushing my RP attempts back.  i mean, come one, i dont wanna here about IRL ALL THE FUCKING TIME! god damit woman, i'm a fan girl, not an IRL fan. i have enougth fucking probelms of my own and yet you inste on talking about IRL.

this pisses me off as when I try to change the subject, its pushed aside. like when when i tart talking FMA - you go ON and ON about RL and i dont wanna hear that. dammit! i like to talk about fandoms and such, not IRL all the time. im not that kind of person and it, to be perfectly frank and honset, it pisses me off.

of cousrse, im to polite to say it to your face, but i do sit here and go ' i DONT GIVE A FUCK! CHANge the su ject allready."

and its the same with hereing about your book that your working on. fuck, i diont need it rammed down my throught you know.  half the time in not intrested in hearing about it, and to me, its wonder why no ones stolen it yet as you rabit on about it all the time - the same with getting it written. your talking about it, so you dont get it written, as when you talk about it, its the say as telling a story, only its oral and then its been told.

surprizes me that you havent read any how to write a novel books, ad they all say the same thing - DONT TALK, BUT WRITE!

abnd another thing, i didnt steal your kiya - why the hell would i wont when i have my own novel to write, with all the players already cast?  i dont get the point of stealing and i never have stolen anything in my life - thats a fact of life.

now, the fact that im not RPing every day with you any more? its driving me insane as i NEED to RP. you know what, if this keeps back up, im going back to my old SN and fucking around again, maybe ill find my life back again, as i sure as hell dont have one now.

and before you og off and say that im slandering you, im not, i try hard not to slander others if i can help it.

i dont have that buffer between my past and my self any more and it starting to hurt me. kiya, i am starting to wonder if you really are a still a friend or are you two faceing me, slandering me behind my back?  i dont know, but i do know this: if you are deceiving me, then stop it and comeclean.

i asked you for logs, i gave you fucking screen shoots on hwo to retrive them - so wher are the logs? are are you saying that you'll give them to me and then going back on your word?

if you are, then it hurts.

i know that im a fucking passive agressive bitch to, but i really dont care. right now, i dont know what to belive or who to trust and talking to Yuriko and Phish helps - even if its is just fandom stuff and not really much of RL. i dont mind, as thats what i like about it, i like to jump topics fast and if an improtu RP comes up over MSN, then i go with it.

you, i get the feeling, that you dont, you ignore them or push them aside. i let my muses have free rein - my anime muses that is and i crave things that arnt all always fucking Edvy.

i love that pairing, but im also moving onto otrher pairings now, like Roy/Kimblee and Archer/Roy.


now, ill give you two weeks, two weeks to try and change my perseption of you. two weeks and then if that doesnt work out, im going. im changing EVERY thing, email, LJ, MSN, Yahoo and AIM. 

im sorry, but thats the way i feel right now and at lest im willing to give you a chance. but i cant keep going like this. i cant.

i am sorry, really, but i have to say this and i have to get it off my chest, i dont care what you think of me. nor do i care of you hate me.

im to numb right now and thats a fact of life.

and im not spell checking as im typing true to myself from now on.


and that is a fact of me. im sick of trying to please others, so im going back to myself.

Stuffs and reply to Invidia

Alright, seeing as im being true myself, and saying what i think right now, hers what i think of certain ppl. and im typing this true myself. i cant... i cant type it any other way, so im sorry if its hard to understand at times.  Ivida, part on of my response is here.


Daeva : --

( For Daeva to read... )

Forchan : --

( For Forchan to read )

Yuriko : --

( For Yuriko to read )

Phish -

( For Phish to read )

everyone : --

( For Everyone to read. )

Invidia: -

( Cut just for you.... )