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broken_envyI hate emotions right now. i hate them so much.
i dont... i dont wanna be me. i dont wanna be someone that all fucks up life and what not. i dont want to be... i hate myself.
i feel like this often, i blame myself and then i look back on the past an i think.. what if.. what if this had happened, what if i had done this, said this, shown interest in this...'
sometimes i just want to turn back time, hack into life's files and change things that i did.
i have things that im not proud off. Starting when i was 16... i have done things to get attention, attention that i crave. things that im not proud off. things that i would CHANGE if i could. but i cant.
at the age of 16, i started to poke my nose into the dark world of online BDSM... i think that i fucked up the next few years of life because of that. i went by the nik shadowslave on the chat room - got involved with a man more than twice my age online, had lots of cyber sex. but i never showed any one my face. never. as i was scared and i didnt want to get them into trouble.
then a friend of mine that was controlling and possessive and tried to run my life and succeeded in making me believe things - found out and used that against me. so i pulled out. and i pulled out of the friend ship soon after as well.. Lindsey was to damn controlling.
then after i turned 18, i got all high and mighty and rebellious and joined up a site for adults. i meet a age from Sydney there. two months down the track, when camping with him and THANK THE GODS for this, i was not raped. the man came on to me, but i said that i wasnt ready to take it to trhat leavel. the next week i cut off from him, he was trying to get me to move in with him in Sydney. i wasnt ready and i didnt want anything to do with him. he was a DOCs officer as well.
then i meet another man and he took things more slowly, we had a few meet ups, then he offered to give me somewhere to stay for a few months free of charge while me and mum had our arguments and flare ups. That was the time that i got back into FMA and started to lurk on LJ. now i wish that i didnt lurk, that i HAD commented on that one pic around June last year and not been a stupid, chicken. that i wish that i had, that i had had the guts to say that i had been instantly bunnied from it, i wish that i hadnt created the family of Leonitus and then stuck him away like the big chicken that i am. the big chicken that hasnt got any guts in me.
im not proud of that time, as i was niave and scared and pissed off at the world. and i didnt know it, but i was missing things, i was to focused on the shit that i was digging myself into online than in the world around me.
after that, i moved back in with mum and then nanna and grandpa died. i was cold and emotionless and i tryied to disconnect from the world. i was hurting inside and i was in denial. it was only as the hearse was driving away at the funeral that i broke down crying, i cried for a long time, and i still cry. i miss nanna and grandpa and grandpas jokes. i miss them. the day of the funeral... i can still recall crying so hard that i cried myself out and then kept crying.
sometimes, i cant help but think that i fucked up life for me and those around me with my stupidity and attention seeking.
but then again, i know that ive fucked myself up, ive gone - on the inside, from naive and clueless to bitter, angry, hopeful, wanting, repressed, not so naive and to feeling not good enough for the world.
oh, wait, thats not all. im a cutter. i have been since i was 14. i cut when i am depressed, cant cope, cant deal and when i feel like shit thats been beaten down to the point wher even other shit beats it down even more. to the point where i fell WORTHLESSLY WORTHLESS.
thers a song - 3/4 in fact that are my theme songs for my life so far. Feel, Good enough, gravity of love and Darkness. i hear these songs and i start to cry. i start to cry as there so ME. there so my life.
there posted in the order that that they speak of me. Whats in BOLD ITALICS is what really hits me hard. Bold is what is true to me as well and UNDERLINE gets me somewhat as well.
Darkness
by Darren Hayes
Been spending so much time underground,
I guess my eyes adjusted,
to the lack of light,
I got covered in darkness,
covered in darkness.
Hibernating, always waiting for something new,
happiness always ending in the blink of an eye.
There was no one attending, no one attending.
It doesn't really matter where it all began.
All I know,
I got covered in darkness,
covered in darkness.
Ever wonder why I never really truely connect?
Although my eyes are open,
I can hold your gaze,
but I am never connected,
never connected.
I am famous for my generousity.
They say I am the kindest.
It is easier to give than receive love,
give than receive love.
It doesn't really matter where it all began.
All I know,
I was covered in darkness,
covered in darkness.
Turning pages over,
run away to no where.
And its hard to take control
when your enemy's old and afraid of you.
You discover that the monster
you were running from is the monster in you.
Better to hold on to love.
Better to hold on to love.
Change will come.
It doesn't really matter where it all began.
All I know,
I was covered in darkness,
covered in darkness.
It doesn't really matter where it all began.
Cuz all I know,
I was lost, I was lost.
Good Enough [MAIN THEME]
by Evanescence
Under your spell again
I can't say no to you
crave my heart and its bleeding in your hand
I can't say no to you
Shouldn't have let you torture me so sweetly
now I can't let go of this dream
I can't breathe but I feel
Good enough
I feel good enough for you
Drink up sweet decadence
I can't say no to you
and I've completely lost myself and I don't mind
I can't say no to you
Shouldn't have let you conquer me completely
now I can't let go of this dream
can't believe that I feel
Good enough
I feel good enough
its been such a long time coming, but I feel good
and I'm still waiting for the rain to fall
pour real life down on me
cause I can't hold on to anything this good
enough
am I good enough
for you to love me too?
so take care what you ask of me
cause I can't say no
Unloveable
by Darren Hayes
Are my lips unkissable?
Are my eyes unlookable?
Am I undesirable?
Am I unlovable?
Cynical, jaded, faithless, disappointed, disillusioned, used
If I could take back all my sweat, my tears, my sex, my joy I would
My time, my love, my effort, passion, dedication
In a case of mistaken identity I gave these things to you
I sound angry, bitter, sad, infatuated, it's the truth
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, just a few
Stages of acceptance that it's really over
It's just so complicated, I'm stupid for believing in you
You make me feel like my father never loved me
You make me feel like the act of love is empty
Am I so unlovable?
Is my skin untouchable?
Do I remind you of a part of you that you don't like?
I had your back, I held you up, I told you you were good enough
It was never reciprocated, you kept affection and then yourself apart
You fed your love to me like crumbs to pigeons in the park
Sometimes I think it satisfied you seeing me begging like a dog
I wasn't armoured, you were king, I gave my everything
Because sometimes you showed me just a hint of you within
For just a moment I romanticised the notion
I can take away the torment, I can love you like they never did
You make me feel like my father never loved me (you never loved me)
You make me feel like the act of love is empty (I felt so empty)
Am I so unlovable?
Is my skin untouchable?
Do I remind you of a part of you that you don't like?
You make me feel like my mother, she abandoned me (you abandoned me)
You make me feel like the act of love is empty (I felt so empty)
Am I so unlovable?
Is my heart unbreakable?
Do I remind you of a part of you that you despise?
Are my lips unkissable?
Are my eyes unlookable?
Is my sex undoable?
Am I unlovable?
Are my words unlistenable?
Are my hands untouchable?
Am I undesirable?
Am I unlovable?
You make me feel like my father never loved me
You make me feel like the act of love is empty
Am I so unlovable?
Is my skin untouchable?
Do I remind you of a part of you that you don't like?
You make me feel like my father never loved me (you never loved me)
You make me feel like the act of love is empty (I felt so empty)
Am I so unlovable?
Is my skin untouchable?
Do I remind you of a part of you that you don't like?
You make me feel like my mother, she abandoned me (you abandoned me)
You make me feel like the act of love is empty (I felt so empty)
Am I so unlovable?
Is my heart unbreakable?
Do I remind you of a part of you that you despise?
You make me feel like my father never loved me (you never loved me)
You make me feel like my mother, she abandoned me (you abandoned me)
You make me feel like my father never loved me (you never loved me)
You make me feel like my mother, she abandoned me (you abandoned me)
Feel
by Robbie Williams
Come and hold my hand
I wanna contact the living
Not sure I understand
This role I've been given
I sit and talk to God
And he just laughs at my plans
My head speaks a language
I don't understand
I just want to feel real love
Feel the home that I live in
'Cause I got too much life
Running through my veins
Going to waste
I don't want to die
But I ain't keen on living either
Before I fall in love
I'm preparing to leave her
I scare myself to death
That's why I keep on running
Before I've arrived
I can see myself coming
I just want to feel real love
Feel the home that I live in
'Cause I got too much life
Running through my veins
Going to waste
And I need to feel real love
And a life ever after
I cannot give it up
I just want to feel real love
Feel the home that I live in
I got too much love
Running through my veins
To go to waste
I just wanna feel real love
In a life ever after
There's a hole in my soul
You can see it in my face
It's a real big place
Come and hold my hand
I want to contact the living
Not sure I understand
This role I've been given
Not sure I understand
Not sure I understand
Not sure I understand
Not sure I understand
Gravity of Love
by Engima
O Fortuna, velut luna
Turn around
And smell what you don't see
Close your eyes
It's so clear
Here's the mirror
Behind there is a screen
And both ways you can get in
Don't think twice before you listen to your heart
Follow the trace for a new start
What you need
And everything you feel
Is just a question of the deal
In the eye of storm you'll see a lonely dove
The experience of survival is the key
To the gravity of love
O Fortuna, velut luna
[Woman]
The path of excess leads to the Tower of Wisdom
[Man]
The path of excess leads to the Tower of Wisdom
Try to think about it
That's the chance to live your life and discover
What it is
It's the gravity of love
O Fortuna, velut luna
Look around just people
Can you hear their voice?
Find the one who'll guide you
To the limits of your choice
But if you're in the eye of storm
Just think of the lonely dove
The experience of survival is the key
To the gravity of love
O Fortuna, velut luna
I feel so bleh right now... im going to go back to drawing.
i dont... i dont wanna be me. i dont wanna be someone that all fucks up life and what not. i dont want to be... i hate myself.
i feel like this often, i blame myself and then i look back on the past an i think.. what if.. what if this had happened, what if i had done this, said this, shown interest in this...'
sometimes i just want to turn back time, hack into life's files and change things that i did.
i have things that im not proud off. Starting when i was 16... i have done things to get attention, attention that i crave. things that im not proud off. things that i would CHANGE if i could. but i cant.
at the age of 16, i started to poke my nose into the dark world of online BDSM... i think that i fucked up the next few years of life because of that. i went by the nik shadowslave on the chat room - got involved with a man more than twice my age online, had lots of cyber sex. but i never showed any one my face. never. as i was scared and i didnt want to get them into trouble.
then a friend of mine that was controlling and possessive and tried to run my life and succeeded in making me believe things - found out and used that against me. so i pulled out. and i pulled out of the friend ship soon after as well.. Lindsey was to damn controlling.
then after i turned 18, i got all high and mighty and rebellious and joined up a site for adults. i meet a age from Sydney there. two months down the track, when camping with him and THANK THE GODS for this, i was not raped. the man came on to me, but i said that i wasnt ready to take it to trhat leavel. the next week i cut off from him, he was trying to get me to move in with him in Sydney. i wasnt ready and i didnt want anything to do with him. he was a DOCs officer as well.
then i meet another man and he took things more slowly, we had a few meet ups, then he offered to give me somewhere to stay for a few months free of charge while me and mum had our arguments and flare ups. That was the time that i got back into FMA and started to lurk on LJ. now i wish that i didnt lurk, that i HAD commented on that one pic around June last year and not been a stupid, chicken. that i wish that i had, that i had had the guts to say that i had been instantly bunnied from it, i wish that i hadnt created the family of Leonitus and then stuck him away like the big chicken that i am. the big chicken that hasnt got any guts in me.
im not proud of that time, as i was niave and scared and pissed off at the world. and i didnt know it, but i was missing things, i was to focused on the shit that i was digging myself into online than in the world around me.
after that, i moved back in with mum and then nanna and grandpa died. i was cold and emotionless and i tryied to disconnect from the world. i was hurting inside and i was in denial. it was only as the hearse was driving away at the funeral that i broke down crying, i cried for a long time, and i still cry. i miss nanna and grandpa and grandpas jokes. i miss them. the day of the funeral... i can still recall crying so hard that i cried myself out and then kept crying.
sometimes, i cant help but think that i fucked up life for me and those around me with my stupidity and attention seeking.
but then again, i know that ive fucked myself up, ive gone - on the inside, from naive and clueless to bitter, angry, hopeful, wanting, repressed, not so naive and to feeling not good enough for the world.
oh, wait, thats not all. im a cutter. i have been since i was 14. i cut when i am depressed, cant cope, cant deal and when i feel like shit thats been beaten down to the point wher even other shit beats it down even more. to the point where i fell WORTHLESSLY WORTHLESS.
thers a song - 3/4 in fact that are my theme songs for my life so far. Feel, Good enough, gravity of love and Darkness. i hear these songs and i start to cry. i start to cry as there so ME. there so my life.
there posted in the order that that they speak of me. Whats in BOLD ITALICS is what really hits me hard. Bold is what is true to me as well and UNDERLINE gets me somewhat as well.
Darkness
by Darren Hayes
Been spending so much time underground,
I guess my eyes adjusted,
to the lack of light,
I got covered in darkness,
covered in darkness.
Hibernating, always waiting for something new,
happiness always ending in the blink of an eye.
There was no one attending, no one attending.
It doesn't really matter where it all began.
All I know,
I got covered in darkness,
covered in darkness.
Ever wonder why I never really truely connect?
Although my eyes are open,
I can hold your gaze,
but I am never connected,
never connected.
I am famous for my generousity.
They say I am the kindest.
It is easier to give than receive love,
give than receive love.
It doesn't really matter where it all began.
All I know,
I was covered in darkness,
covered in darkness.
Turning pages over,
run away to no where.
And its hard to take control
when your enemy's old and afraid of you.
You discover that the monster
you were running from is the monster in you.
Better to hold on to love.
Better to hold on to love.
Change will come.
It doesn't really matter where it all began.
All I know,
I was covered in darkness,
covered in darkness.
It doesn't really matter where it all began.
Cuz all I know,
I was lost, I was lost.
Good Enough [MAIN THEME]
by Evanescence
Under your spell again
I can't say no to you
crave my heart and its bleeding in your hand
I can't say no to you
Shouldn't have let you torture me so sweetly
now I can't let go of this dream
I can't breathe but I feel
Good enough
I feel good enough for you
Drink up sweet decadence
I can't say no to you
and I've completely lost myself and I don't mind
I can't say no to you
Shouldn't have let you conquer me completely
now I can't let go of this dream
can't believe that I feel
Good enough
I feel good enough
its been such a long time coming, but I feel good
and I'm still waiting for the rain to fall
pour real life down on me
cause I can't hold on to anything this good
enough
am I good enough
for you to love me too?
so take care what you ask of me
cause I can't say no
Unloveable
by Darren Hayes
Are my lips unkissable?
Are my eyes unlookable?
Am I undesirable?
Am I unlovable?
Cynical, jaded, faithless, disappointed, disillusioned, used
If I could take back all my sweat, my tears, my sex, my joy I would
My time, my love, my effort, passion, dedication
In a case of mistaken identity I gave these things to you
I sound angry, bitter, sad, infatuated, it's the truth
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, just a few
Stages of acceptance that it's really over
It's just so complicated, I'm stupid for believing in you
You make me feel like my father never loved me
You make me feel like the act of love is empty
Am I so unlovable?
Is my skin untouchable?
Do I remind you of a part of you that you don't like?
I had your back, I held you up, I told you you were good enough
It was never reciprocated, you kept affection and then yourself apart
You fed your love to me like crumbs to pigeons in the park
Sometimes I think it satisfied you seeing me begging like a dog
I wasn't armoured, you were king, I gave my everything
Because sometimes you showed me just a hint of you within
For just a moment I romanticised the notion
I can take away the torment, I can love you like they never did
You make me feel like my father never loved me (you never loved me)
You make me feel like the act of love is empty (I felt so empty)
Am I so unlovable?
Is my skin untouchable?
Do I remind you of a part of you that you don't like?
You make me feel like my mother, she abandoned me (you abandoned me)
You make me feel like the act of love is empty (I felt so empty)
Am I so unlovable?
Is my heart unbreakable?
Do I remind you of a part of you that you despise?
Are my lips unkissable?
Are my eyes unlookable?
Is my sex undoable?
Am I unlovable?
Are my words unlistenable?
Are my hands untouchable?
Am I undesirable?
Am I unlovable?
You make me feel like my father never loved me
You make me feel like the act of love is empty
Am I so unlovable?
Is my skin untouchable?
Do I remind you of a part of you that you don't like?
You make me feel like my father never loved me (you never loved me)
You make me feel like the act of love is empty (I felt so empty)
Am I so unlovable?
Is my skin untouchable?
Do I remind you of a part of you that you don't like?
You make me feel like my mother, she abandoned me (you abandoned me)
You make me feel like the act of love is empty (I felt so empty)
Am I so unlovable?
Is my heart unbreakable?
Do I remind you of a part of you that you despise?
You make me feel like my father never loved me (you never loved me)
You make me feel like my mother, she abandoned me (you abandoned me)
You make me feel like my father never loved me (you never loved me)
You make me feel like my mother, she abandoned me (you abandoned me)
Feel
by Robbie Williams
Come and hold my hand
I wanna contact the living
Not sure I understand
This role I've been given
I sit and talk to God
And he just laughs at my plans
My head speaks a language
I don't understand
I just want to feel real love
Feel the home that I live in
'Cause I got too much life
Running through my veins
Going to waste
I don't want to die
But I ain't keen on living either
Before I fall in love
I'm preparing to leave her
I scare myself to death
That's why I keep on running
Before I've arrived
I can see myself coming
I just want to feel real love
Feel the home that I live in
'Cause I got too much life
Running through my veins
Going to waste
And I need to feel real love
And a life ever after
I cannot give it up
I just want to feel real love
Feel the home that I live in
I got too much love
Running through my veins
To go to waste
I just wanna feel real love
In a life ever after
There's a hole in my soul
You can see it in my face
It's a real big place
Come and hold my hand
I want to contact the living
Not sure I understand
This role I've been given
Not sure I understand
Not sure I understand
Not sure I understand
Not sure I understand
Gravity of Love
by Engima
O Fortuna, velut luna
Turn around
And smell what you don't see
Close your eyes
It's so clear
Here's the mirror
Behind there is a screen
And both ways you can get in
Don't think twice before you listen to your heart
Follow the trace for a new start
What you need
And everything you feel
Is just a question of the deal
In the eye of storm you'll see a lonely dove
The experience of survival is the key
To the gravity of love
O Fortuna, velut luna
[Woman]
The path of excess leads to the Tower of Wisdom
[Man]
The path of excess leads to the Tower of Wisdom
Try to think about it
That's the chance to live your life and discover
What it is
It's the gravity of love
O Fortuna, velut luna
Look around just people
Can you hear their voice?
Find the one who'll guide you
To the limits of your choice
But if you're in the eye of storm
Just think of the lonely dove
The experience of survival is the key
To the gravity of love
O Fortuna, velut luna
I feel so bleh right now... im going to go back to drawing.
