broken_envy: (Broken Inside)
[personal profile] broken_envy
So I'm 21 now...

And i feel so numb as my world has litterally fallen away from me.

I lost my cat, Jack, yesterday. On my birthday.

Unfair? Maybe. But I dont think so.

Cos I think that he's done his job... that he'd taught me to care for another liveing thing. I miss him so much though.

We had to put him to sleep as he was litterally on a dialisis all of friday night as his kidneys had reached end stage failure and it was only found when we took him to the vet for a check up.

We whent and saw him sat morning, and said our goodbyes. he talked to us in his meows, telling us that he hated it and that he was ready to go. I know that he knew what was going on. We have some phots with him.

Then I just said do it. It was over so quicky after that. they took out the drip, and use that to put in the stuff that they use to make them sleep. Its so quick and painless they say. I heard his last breath as it left his lunges, and it freaked me out. It really did. I

I pet him all the time though, and told him that i loved him, and that i'll miss him. I kept petting him right to the end and I was crying when mum had top lead me away from him in the end as i did NOT want to leave him.

I guess it was denial that he was gone now, gone for good. That it would be the last time in a long while that i walked out those doors.

I woke up this moring at 7... and I was crying in seconds as ther was no familar lump at the end of my bed. I ended up crying myself to sleep, again. I didnt gfet up till about 10.00 am.

Now I just have to keep going, put one foot infront of me though my worlds fallen out from under me.

I love skye, yes, but she's not been in my life as long as jack, and i'm sure that she understands. my world, my reason that i was always so happy is pretty much gone now. patting human hair is not like patting a cats fur. at all.

But I will be strong, and I will remember him, but i know that he's want me to be happy, to recall the good times. And I will..

And I have skye to help me.

Just have to find my feet again in an unsteady world right now.

And I know, i know in my heart that when i talk about this, i seems blank, distant and detached. But i'm not. I just dont know who to put the facts any other way. And that hurts the most.

We killed our loniness together, we suffered the good and bad times together.

He was my wonderwall who saved my from myself, and I thank him for that.

And now he's with God. I know that I am not very religious, but thats one thing that I belive in. Is that god up in heaven looks after all of the soulds of every living thing in this world, reguardless of who and what they are.

I will miss you, Jacky-boy, and I will never forget you. And i know that oneday, you will find your way back to me, in whatever guise you take.

RIP Jack. You will be missed.


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January 2009

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