broken_envy: (Broken Inside)
Cos I need to do this, and its what i keep this LJ around for.


I dont expect an easy life.

But from the time I was young, its what was given to me. and 'easy' life. A life of materialism. I was the here kid, have a toy to shut up. Thats what it was like for me, and to an extent, my sister. mum did it the most, dad somewhat. But it was mainly mum who did it.

Shao-Lin came to me, and i recall feeling so happy that there was someone who was like me, but everything that i wanted to be. I still dont know why she came, only that she did. Shadow joined us Latter, and we make a triad. A protection Triad.


After i was dx'd it got worse. In a way, i wish, I wish to god that i had never been told. That i didnt know that i had AS. Life.. would have been easier, and harder.

But i knew that i had it, and it hardly bothered me. Mainly as the adults started to pay me more attention, that i want getting my my classmates. And i liked the attention. It was a kind of love, in a way. Not the love that i crave to this day, but a love nonetheless.

And mum started to get distant, and tell me things. like i was a brat. I am not. I am not lazy. I am not anything that she told me. though years of that kind of stuff has cut deeply. Scared me. Hurt me. Made me vulnerable to those who got into the ice walls that i had brought up to protect me from any more hurt.

But then i got my cat, Jack, and everything changed. I had someone who loved me cos of me, who didnt care that i had melt downs or was frightened of the dark ect. He loved me for me. And when i lost him, it hurt, a lot. I lost a part of me that i'll never get back.

I was given things to shut me up, and i was sheltered a lot. By mum, and by Shao-Lin. Rules i had that my sister didnt. Or she faulted her in a way that i wish that i had the guts to. I think that the last time of a very limited number of times that I stood up for myself.. mum backhanded me and i feel down the stairs. I was 16 at the time, just after we has moved into the new house. Shao-Lin had told me time and tim eagain to stand up for myself.

I learnt that day that standing up to yourself doesnt do any good. It only brought me pain. So i stopped doing it. It wasnt getting me anywhere.

I recall the fact that i had to fight tooth and nail to be able to even control what little money that i started to get from centerlink after i turned 16. $375 a fornight. I bought my own PS2 with it. I was so happy.

And then i started to flaunt the rules like i;d seen zoe do. I stopped within a few months as the gains did not outweigh the risks.

the next time i stood up for myself was when i was 18 and fighting to be seen as an adult. And then i left home, only to end up back home a few months later. Mum wasnt happy, she told me that i was still a kid.

I believed her for the longest time. To much freedom at once is to much, or so she said. But i fought in my own way, and started to grow beyond what she could control.

I know the day that i started was when i stoped taking the meds that i was on. I hated them so much. and I have never looked back. Mum attempted to stuff me back on them time and time again, but I never took the bait.

I have grown, but I remain emotionally distant, as i know that i never really had a mother that i could conect with. She was just there. a bitch really who gave me things, then was distant. My sister stands up for me, but i know that she cares and whats to help me as much as she can, in her own way.

Dad is dad. Dad was the one i went to the most to talk to as a kid. cos he listened without judging, he told me that i am me, that i am a very pretty person.


But despite that, i still have trouble with my emotions. I have them, But i dont know how to handle it. I am learning though. slowly, painfully. But i am learning.

And to me, thats all that maters. I buy things as they make me happy, for a time. And then i need more. Love is what i need. I thought that i had it in skye, until she very publicly broke up with me.. in the school canteen on a very packed day. No warning, just out of the blue, or so it seemed. It hurt as, but i am more or less numb to it right now. Then again, i'm almost always numb now. I miss her love, but i cant get it back. :( So i just have to love on.

Only what i believe and know that i can do ultimately matters. The few close friends that i have know this well. They know the storm that is me.

And the know how to deal with it. Or i hope that they do.

As though I can change, I will still fundamentally be me.
broken_envy: (Default)
Please note that i havnt bother to spell scheck this. >d im typing as it comes to my head.

Why do I even fucking bother with fandoms at times?

I don’t know – as im obsessed with them. I like to RP – a LOT! So what? I rp as its fun and takes my mind of things that happen in my oh so not prefect life. I don’t give a shit if im passive/aggressive or what ever, I am me and if you don’t like that heres a hint – defriend me now. cous from now on out, im goig to be my self and im not changing.

Yes, I am a bitch undernearth my friendly person. Get over it.

Ive had a gut full of trying to impress others, trying to fit in. I care for those that I have made friends with, yes, but I am also a cruel and vindictive little bitch if you must know. I can and will hold a grudge for a long time. so what? I’m allowed to. I’m allowed to be myself on here – I don’t have to hide behind maskes and if you have a problem with that, then leave me alone!

i have night mares of my past – I worry that Lindsey Chapman, who whent by the sn Kauket or Amonet or Aphophet when I knew her – will come back to ruin me more than she already did. But she not the preson that im scared of the most.

Im scared of a man online called Damien Aronath. He took EVERY thing from me. My self esteem, my didgnity, my self worth and a lot more with his mental mind fuckery. I hate him, and yet im scared of him. im scared that if he shows up again, ill fall back into the traps of his, that I’ll debase myself worth just be lied to again and again.

And now the recent events in my life – ther bringing this all to the for. I fear that someone close to me is lieing to me, telling me that things are alright when there not. im scared of that as its start to make me thing back to the time of Lindsey. She did this. She did this to me. She used me and lied to me.

I hate her. And I hate any one that does it to me - using me and lieing to me that is. I know that I am not perfect – no one is. I know that I say that I don’t lie, and I try my hardest not to lie. I had my mouth washed out so many damn times with soup by my grandmother that its not funny.

Ki also have dreams that leave me scared shitles s that im going to be forcedoced back on to drugs to make me ‘mentally stable’ or what ever. I hate them. hatedrugs of all kinds. Io idont need them and don’t tell me that I fucking do cousin I don’t. my life was fine until they screwed with me head.

Im happy being a fucking retared person cous it makes me me. Get over it. Im happy as I am and I don’t and am not willing to change. I’m just feed up with a lot of shit right now and the dtress of it all and my one opening to distress is being denined to me and that’s setting me even more on edge. Yes, I find that torment my muses is distressing to me as it helps me unwind. So what if I like scaring the shit out of Roy or Ed or Kimblee or who ever my muse is? Its FUN to me. As I can get lost in the metions that they feel and I unwind that way.

Take that away from me, and you get one VERY stressed and VERY pissy Seme. Its my anti-drug. I don’t wanna talk about real life all the time. I wanna RP and lose myself in worlds that are fantasy. I wanna distress and not worry about RL. Why? as I don’t like worrying about RL that much.

And I don’t take about my novel much either. Why? as I just don’t. I don’t trust that well. at all. im paranoid.

But with all this happening… im getting scared and im thinking of leaving the line world for a bit – just like certin ppl want – oh, they know they are. Ther the ones that are triggering this all in. and triggering it badly. I have mad a lot of mistakes in my life, but none of them I want to recall. I want to move of from them, but I don’t know how to when im hitting rock botton and have to be carefull with what I say and do as I don’t know who to trust. I don’t know if I can trust any one. And that’s a painfull fact to me as I want to trust.

But how can you when you haven’t really been able to trust scince grade 2? How can you trust when you have suffered bullieing and teasing and cold remarks?

Its hard to stay optimisic without your life line to hold onto at times and im starting to sink under again, close off.

And when I close off, ill leave this LJ and start a new one. Try to start again,. And put the past behind me. I don’t wanna do that, but… I don’t really see any other options.

I just wanna have fun, and not think to hard on things. But I cant right now, and im lost. And im confuzzed and im hurting inside. Deeply. I belive in karma that what you give give is what you get returned. And I try and live by that. But im not every good at it am i? no, im not.

Im not going to try and be prefect any more, or be sorry for the things that I cant change, or the past. What is done is done and all I can hopefor is that I move on. Move on to other things, and be true myself.

I don’t know if I can do that though. I want to be myself, but I cant – not in a socity that deems what is normal and what is not. I want to be my self in all my werid ways.


And I don’t wanna care what others think of me, but I do. Why? as I crave to be acknoleged for things that I do. For efforts that I make. Am I not even good enough for that? Am I just destined to be braned a lair and a thief for ever? Im not them and I know that even though I can prove it, ppl wont accept.

It shouldn’t hurt, but it does. To me, its like a sting to my oride… and to my ego. And what do I even bother at times…

To talk to pple that don’t give a shit? To try and be nice to other artists and writers even if they don’t respect me.

I don’t know – all I know is that right now, im VERY confused and lost and im not emoing, im just spilling my guts to a world that I doubt really cares.

After all… it is a strange world that we live in and I only see people talking and they only tell lies – or mostly lies.

And, at the end of the day – who will save us from ourselfves? That what I wanna know.

Next post will be a music post.

Upset

Jun. 14th, 2007 07:47 pm
broken_envy: (Default)
some days i dont know why the fuck i bother with life.

this latest thing in my life has shown me that i cant trust hardly any one. and that hurts, but again, i should have known.

as i cant ever hold on to anything bloody good enough for to long. Kiya, who i think of as a great person, friend and maybe thers something more in there, had doubts placed into her mind by ForchanCookie. Forchan, who could have just as easily sujest naming generators and not flown off the handle. ugg - that is the kind of person that reminds me of a person that i knew for two years, but then i had to leave, as they wher starting to black mail me. now, i have written diarys and online privet blogs of that event. and i hate those kind of peoiple that are willing to judge without getting to know or even bother to give a second chance.

and what bothers me is this: if it was Deava or some other person that did what i did, then she would forgive them without a second glance, of that i am sure.

i dont mean to slander, i just put forth my view, dam the rest of the world and what the think of me for doing this.

i say what i want, thats who i am. i am sorry that the dramma happened, but then again, im not, as to me, i did nothing wrong in using names that i thought where good. but i guess that certin people dont see it that way.


i dont understand thatm, and i try to. i know that in the most amible person, but i do try to understand. the letter that forchan wrote - i feel that i did my best to understand it, but i feel cheted too as i dont get the impression that she tryed to understand me. i know that im not that easy to follow, but i did try, honsetly.

and so i feel cheated that she didnt, what seems to me, put in the same amount of effort as i did.

she called me an art thief and i would like to know how i am. i draw what is in my head and i do it in the colors that i see them in. i feel hurt as it, to me, demeans me for who i am. i do not steal art. why would i when i can draw. draw what i see in my head when im in the mode and have the energy. to me, that is the passion of art. you draw from the heart. and then it has emotion.

my sister echos this sentiment. she says that my art is a million times metter than those that draw as there obligated to. i draw a lot at times, and most of it never gets coloured, you know why? as i dont have the will to colour it. as i see the colours there, in my head.

and then i find that some ones gone belind my back - slandered me really - as there laughing at my art and spreading lies about me. and what lies, i wanna know.

what the hell is so FUNNY about going behind someones back? why? whay is so bloody amusing at times? i dont find it funny - you know why? most my schooling life, i was bullied and slandered. i have had slander put against me and so i hate it. i dont lie - i try not to lie to the best that i can, i dont slander - even if i do talk about people at times, but i dont say nasty things about them if i can help it, and i do unto others as i want done to me.

im just upset and frustated and saddened.

i have started to open up more than ever now, and i feel that i will soon close off again. and, yes, i am scared of that, very much so. as i dont like the me that i become when im like that. i dont. its scary for me personaly and then i have no idea what to do.

i just really, really dont see why life is currently so shit for me and a person that i care for.

i just really dont.

oh, please dont rant to me about my spelling right now, as i really dont care. im just staying how i feel and when im like this, i put down what comes to my head.
broken_envy: (Default)
*Twitches baddly*

you know what really, really, really pisses me off?
. im logging off and going to play the sims for a while. ^___^

EEEE! Archer and Fem!Kimblee and Fem!Roy triad family time! WEEE!

oh, and if you want me to make a family and play that, give me a shot. ill do it for you. yuri, yaoi, het - ill do it and if you want, ill have them breed as well. ^_____^
broken_envy: (Default)
omfg what the fuck is wrong with ppl and why do they have to bash what they dont like?

and it was in a star wars site to - it bashed heavily one of the major things i am in love with in pairings..

Twincest.

yes, you herd me, i love incest in fandoms is between twins - bother sister, sister/brother, brother/brother. if its twins and they can be crossed... i like it. a lot. its a kink of mine that i will not ever give up.

its one of my kinks that nabs me big time.


i just dont get why ppl bash things like that, if its not your kink, then dont stick up a big fuss. OMFG those that do are drama queens to me and looking for attention. - i admit that i run around for attention, but i dont do it in the negative ways. and even if i dont get attention, im happy with spamming my LJ - after all, this MY LJ and i put what i want in here. and if i get comments, then im happy. if not, oh welll. ill still keep posting on LJ. ^__^ My LJ is not a democracy - though i do give the illusion that its one. In the end, ifs my LJ and if you dont like what i post, rant about then thers always the defriend option.

i dont like Ed/Alphonse, but i do like Ed/heindrich. i just dont openly advertise what i like in the so called taboo stuff as i get BASHED and told that im sick and wrong and all that.


i like what i like, and if you dont like it then move on, as i do bite when im majorly provoked. and i hate to make a fuss, but if push comes to shove, then i push back. hard.


though feel free to ask me what i like and what i dont. ^___^ i dont bite unless you bite first, thats my rule. im a fair person, though i have my limits.

remember, treat me with respect and ill treat you the same.

and if you dont like something, then dont bash it - you just look like s silly 12 year old.
broken_envy: (Default)


[this part can be found on my Y!gall and DA journals as well.]


We all have our breaking points… so why do people find it funny to push us to them?

I am so fucking feed up. Up to my neck.

I see so many good artist each day in my browsing of the web and I try and review them all.

And what do I get in return? nothing in terms of reviews and that pisses me off to no end.

So what if my work looks a bit scrappy, is not shiny or coloured, and doesn’t stand out?

I mean, all I want is a little encouragement. I put the time and effort into my art – yea, I know that I have fucking trouble at times with it, but I try hard. How long does it take to hit the comment/review button and type up a few words? Not that long,. Maybe 3 mins, more if your doing an in-depth comment. But the average review only take about 3-5 mins to type up.

And so what if what your going to say has already been said? Im sure that every author/artist wants to here it from your proverbial mouth as well, you know? Its all encouragements.


I work on equal trade – always have and always will. I put time and effort and love into each art work that I do. So what if I don’t nail the character spot on each time. so what if I have shit inking skills and I don’t use refs for most of my art? I work direct from my mind to the paper – I find that refs hider me really. I suppose that its as im self taught. And im proud of that fact. I don’t need any fancy credentials from art schools – I had my entire drawing style and will to draw almost ruined in one year with the worst art teacher ever.

But I don’t think that its to much to ask for a little timer of yours in commenting on it?
No, I think that its not. But, I guess that others cant see that,. Its just view, look and then click away to the next page.

And ive noticed that ppl only comment on the shiny stuff. Why? its colour. I know that my line art aint the best, but for Christs sakes, cant you give encouragements to the artist or the author?



[But not this next part.]

On another topic, headaches and migraines SUCK! When I have a headache, I cant sleep, I can only lie in bed and think. and think last night i did as i couldnt sleep. not with the server migrain i had. so i thought.

And when I think…

My mind goes back to the past. Back to Her, Lindsey Chapman – Kauket. The one that tried to leash and tame this lioness and almost broke me. I broke off the friendship awhile ago and im still feeling the effects of it.

She was controlling. She almost broke me to the point where I was broken on the inside.

Know this. If you want to be my friend – anyone that wants to know me fully, or be my lover..

Leash me and you’ve lost me. Try and Tame me and you've lost me.try and Break me and you’ve lost me. Let me be myself no mater what I do, and you have me.

The moment you attempt to control me in any kind of way is the moment you lose me and ill start to pull away.

Yes, I will do things that will make you want to kill me. I will do things that will have you running after me screaming not to do that or your going the wrong way. I will do things my way or the highway. And if you arnt ready to follow me through hell and back, then I have two words. Piss off. As if you cant take me as I am, then you cant keep up with me. that my view anyway.

I have one that I love, and I expect that she will follow me in all my insaneness – just as ill follow her true her insaneness as well. it works both ways.

You follow me, and ill follow you when you need it, back me up, stand up for me, and ill do the same.

Just as I want the glory, doesn’t mean that I wont share it. Ill share it around, though at the end of the day, I want to feel like im valued. You pamper my ego and ill pamper yours. Give me respect and ill give you respect. Follow me and ill follow you.

I believe in karma and that what you give is what you get. Those that give, give, give and don’t get anything in return– there’s an imbalance there. You cant keep giving without getting things in return. You just cant as sooner or latter you will reach your breaking point and crash and burn.

And that’s all I have to say right now.

And I did NOT emo at all. YAY!


and if you read this and you have something say, then say it! disagree with me, agree with me, what ever! just if you have something to say, then say it. I wont bite you.
broken_envy: (Default)
I HATE being a female right now! fucking period mood swings and cramps and bitchyness!





Screw the world right now and screw my art.


fuck ppl and ther callous remarks to artists that put their heart and souls into ther work. fuck others that canr understand that sometimes, ppl are tought different art styles or styles of realism in there arts,

my style of realism in a mix of both true realism and anime.

got a problem with? i dont really care.

im stick of being told that 'but noses dont look like that,' or ' but the eyes are wrong. '

i do my best, its all that i can do. im only human. i do my best.

end of story,. i draw how i wantm, who i want, when i want.

now, im going to go boot up starcraft and kick the AIs ass a few times.

and then i might draw or not, depending on my mood.



-- oh, and i dont mean anyone in particular, this all built up frustration and what not thats been coming for amonth or so.
broken_envy: (Default)
the one thing that i hate about having aspergers syndrome is this:

when ever i try to put myself in someone elses emotional state, i get a big fat message from my brain that says

WTF ARE YOU ASKING ME TO DO! THIS DOES NOT COMPUTE!

and i want to be able to help others to understand there feelings,. but when i try, i get this message. its like im trying to understand something ALIEN to me.

then again, to me, most of the world is ALIEN. i dont understand social things, my life is basically the internet and i have very few in rl friends.

its no wonder that half the time i dont feel good enough. its as i feel emotionally unavailable to my friends and to my family. though my family make for it with understanding my ticks and sighs.

i have the strangest sense of humor, i laugh at things that others dont and i dont get the subtle jokes. it annoys me and i want to be able to change it,

but then again, i dont, i like who i am. i like being diffrent, i like myself - even if half the time i wish that i didnt have AS. >___>

but the thing is, i want to be able to understand the subtle signs, the emotions of others, i dont want to be seen as uncaring, when im not, im VERY caring. i just have trouble expressing that in a lot of cases. and it shits me off as i have all things that i wanna say/do, but i cant, as i have ZERO idea if its appropriate or not. its probable what takes me so long to get to know someone and get up the courage to enter a fandom that i like. of course, but then its usually just as every one else is moving on or something like that.

*sigh* i guess... that i just feel like im always left behind in the dust. ;_____;

but then again, sometimes the back is better than the frount of the pack. ^___^ thers more to see at the back.

well, to me there is. >___>


and damit, now im on a talk about me streak. NUUU! i should not do that. >___> Even if i do want all the lime light for myself right now. >_____>

STROKE MY EGO!
broken_envy: (Default)
Edit] And im posting this at 11.50 am Aus time and XP I feel better, but im still posting the rant. As I want it to be READ!

And commented on.
And no, im not going to cut it, im not cutting any of the rants that I go on - even if there like four word pages long.
Sorry if I offend or clog up F-lists.


---------


Ok, so my PC is bitching and so am I going to have a big long bitch.

I need to. With my net playing fuck me around. The time is 7 am in the morning on sunday – aussie time. and I have no clue when im going t post this, other that its going to be a fucking long rant. And if I feel like it when I post this, I might cut the rant at midway point. Might not. Depends on my mood.

I just need to get this off my chest.

And if used of swearing and profanity offend you, don’t read. Though when I swear, I mean what I say. That’s just me.


First things first, I hardly love edvy any more. I’m starting to see Ed with Ling more and more. Im sorry, but that’s a fact, a gender switched Ed. I don’t care if I hurt anyone’s feelings. Im going to be blunt and frank and a bitch.

So if im going to offend you, then don’t fucking read. That’s all.

Ive kept my growing liking for Ed/Ling hidden – namely so that I wouldn’t hurt a certain persons feelings, but now, you know what? Screw that. Im going to have my little bitch fit and be all pissy and cold hearted. I am starting to see more and more EdLing – namely a Girl!Ed/ling. And im starting to drift back to my OTP Roy/Ed. Yes, I never stoped liking them. Their my first love of FMA. I don’t care if its statutory rape or whatever as here in Aussie, the age of consent for sex is 16. that’s what im basing it on.

Ed/Ling is also possible, namely as I can see Ed going with Ling for whatever reasons he has. Edvy is… well… to put it bluntly… the only thing that keeps me to Edvy is the fact that if I want, I could put Envy as a female and get him preggy with Eds kids. Ditto for Ed. That’s all really.

And another thing… I crave RPs whenever, I don’t rely on my fucking moods to RP.

Dammit, its fucking Role play, to me it’s the same as acting, only typing it in words. You don’t have to be in the mood to act, so to me, why should you have to be in the mood for a sadist RP? Ive done sadistic when im in the most calmest mood that you know of. After all, I have this mind set that says ‘ yea, im going to be that, that and that’ and I stick to it.

And on the same rant vein, another thing that I hate is this,. When im on AIM RPing and talking to the person on MSN and suddenly they ask me what direction to take the RP in, I get so fucking frustrated as it just annoys me to no end. I don’t wanna know your dramas for deciding whether or not to go with calm, collected Archer or bastard!Kimblee. I wanna be surprised. I wanna have to think of what to reply to next in the RP and not deal with OOC dilemmas in what to do for the role that you’re playing. Im sorry if I have offended, but that is just me. And right now, im telling it as it is.

Oh, and another thing I hate – no LOATHE to the core of me is when say two muses get into a fight – ie: yours and mine - one of the muse-owners rushes into to save the day. I hate that, say muse A sets fire to muse B instead of having Muse C putr it out or whatever, the muse owner ruses in to save the day. For fucks sake, their fucking muses. They come back to life. Get over yourselves and stop coddling them. And if they want to duel then don’t step in and give such and muse a better weapon than the other muse has. Get one of the other muses to give me the same weapon. For god sakes, its like a role play, only not formal! You don’t go inserting yourself into a RP now do you? Unless your incredibly STUPID and self-centred that is.

The only exception I like is when you HAVE to interact with the muses. Something like this:

Silver: Whines Why did You have to use me as an example? I have things to be stealing.
ME: Shut up and just do as you’re told, Silver.
Silver: yes, Ma’am.

Or when your muses do thinks that you don’t really agree with, and you don’t want to be associated with them. Or when you don’t want them to go bugging for Crossovers and shit – NOTE: I do NOT think that crossovers are shit. I like them, I find them enjoyable, but only if both partly are willing. - as they want to play with another’s muses that they would not normal play with. Its fine if you have the time, but other wises its annoying. And I have one fucking bastard annoying muse called Rhys Kimblee that wants to bring one of someone who I look up to in the art world – muse into his world for an ‘extended’ stay. Im against that as I know what the muse means. Kidnap and run off to have porn with until he gets bored and then toss the muse away and forget that he dragged the poor other muse into his world. Im not letting that happen. As much fun as it would be im against it as I don’t like doing that sort of stuff to unwilling muses. And I wont be doing it either. And if my muse does do it, ill kill them in a way where they will NOT come back to life. I have don’t it before to muses.


Something along the lines like that. Normally, im just this big unknown voice to the muses that live in muse-world. Im not there with them unless I need to be, or I want to be with my favoured muses. Other than that, im the Creator, this big mysterious thing that yanks on them when I need them. And who they send all the ideas to.

Im not going to name any names, not yet. I don’t feel that cruel and heartless.

And on the same vein as RPing, I have over 17 muses that I have to play just for one RP – to >b>MANY I just want 5-6 muses. I want in this order : Ryoko, Zac, Rhys, Calista, Charlton and Greed. I want to bring others into the RP to help ease the strain on me. Im also a writer and I have a novel to write and that has 6 – 8 main muses that are feeling VERY neglected. Im willing to sit down with each possible candidate, share logs and data and then bring them in on the RP. It would be so much easier on me, as then im not stressing out all the time.

Again, im sorry if I have offended, hurt any ones feelings, but as I said, im being a bitchy lioness right now.

And now, back to my rants on pairings. >D oh, and if you haven’t figured it out, im not cutting this as I feel like a hateful bitch right now. But to spare your f-lists, ill cut it here. Maybe.

To tell the truth, im starting to get bored of it. I still like it… then again, I don’t. im starting to ship more and more to Archer/Roy, Greed/Kimblee, Archer/Kimblee and Archer/Kimblee/Roy. I don’t know why, but I I like the dynamitics that I see in there, the abuse of power/ misuse of military conduct gets me. I can see Archer forcing Roy to uke to him and Kimblee. I can see Roy squirming his way into Archers life and then Archer no letting go of the powerful flames, and in the threesome, I can see Archer wanting both alchemists as his. Just as hes a power-hungry bastard. I mean, he went after Kimblee, so what’s really stopping him from going after Roy? Nothing in my mind.

But still… I feel like I have to like Edvy still, even if I don’t. Its drifting for me. Its moving on. And im sorry be blunt and open like this. But then again, im not.

Maybe its to do with the fact that I have, all up, just over 30 RP muses that I portray. More than half are from my sec gen RP that I do with Kiya. i cant keep up and im falling behind, sliding to my comfort zone of five or six muses.

And it certainly does not help that I have been bitten in the ass with the very first RP kids that I created, WAY back in June last year after seeing that ep of Roy and Archer and Kimblee on the train. But back then I didn’t have the guts, or the courage to seek out any other RPers,. So I developed them, and then stuck them in to storage. Almost 5 mths later, I found Dae's work, I was hocked on Edvy then, to scared that my OT3 would be rejected. So I hid and created Zac and Sean – my gate baby twins of the Elrics. That are, in fact, Sin. They just don’t bear the mark as their not mature. They where born of Fem!Envy, age 7 they went thru the gate back into Shamballa. While in the gate, they’re genetics where screwed around with turning Zac into a pseudo gate, and Sean into a sort of switch. There twins and they go to together, in my very first draft, I had them as VERY close – to the point of kissing and what not. But I had to modify that as I didn’t want to offend the RPer that I talked into playing Sean. Of course, Seans gone off in a different direction that what I wanted, same with Ryan.

Yes, I did almost all of the work in creating most of the Kimblee kids. I wanted Ryan to be more of a badass. Top originally have Rhys personality, and for Rhys to be more like Kimblee, with a mix of Ryan and Genvias personality. But no, he didn’t turn out that way. Hell, I did most of the work in creating the main kids for each family, Zac and Sean, Calista and Charlton, Rhys and Ryan. I came up with the name Bianca, though I haven’t put much work into that one. Yes, I am feeling bitter, I don’t give a fuck.

So, back to my first RP kids ever. I did a 'what if' after seeing a movie – Mr Mom it was, and then took that one step further and took Kimblee and Roy and turn them into girls.

Then I stuck Ria my first ever Fem!Roy – into a loveless marriage of convenience and blackmail to Archer, then pulled in Kimberly, my Fem!Kimblee and made her my archers mistress that he loved.

From Ria and Archer came their only son, Leonidas. Cold hearted, cruel, manipulative, bastard, emotionless and a fucking good liar. All of that comes from the fact that his mother doesn’t love him, hates his father and his father only sees him as a tool to shape and mold into the next fuhrer – and his official Heir.

From Kimmy and Archer came Ceres – a spoilt brat, two years younger than Leon. She gets what she wants and she hates her half brother, calling him cold and cruel. In return, Leon hates her and thinks that shes not worth his fathers love. And then Zeicha came along, three years younger than Leon. Hes the baby of the bunch and is spoilt, though he is kind and compassionate, though his father wants him to be ruthless as well. His mother wants him to be able to detach himself. Leonidas just wants to screw his perfect brother into the ground. after all, back in June, i didnt believe that those three could EVER raise normal children.

But yea, there my first RP kids and yes, I have the data file in my note book. I typed that up word for word. Ill scan it it in if you don’t believe me.

Their who I want to start an RP com for. And I want an Archer RPer and a Kimblee RPer that can do them, both would be better, but if they could take a parent a kid, it would be even better. And if there are those that have pairings with an Archer in then or what ever, then we could make then live together.

…. But, its not going to happen as I have this RPer that’s possessive to the point where its stiffing me and my creativity. *Sighs* im not even sure if I love them like they love me.

Have you ever thought that you love someone, but your not sure, not sure if what you feel is love, or just lust? That’s what im feeling, confusion over my feelings. And im fucking afraid to talk to her about them so im spamming and rapping F-lists with my drama. That I refuse to cut. Im just being a bitch. Mostly as im having a bad week. A VERY bad week.

I think that the rout of all this is stemming from the fact that I don’t feel good enough. Not good enough to hold only to anything good,. Like the house. We – my sister Zoe, Chris and I rent this place, and we just found out – in the last fucking four days, that its been sold. So I might be moving back to live with my mum = that I do not wanna do. Shes a fucking conservative, with stupid ass views on what reg working hours are, is against me being bi, is against me working night shifts and is a bitch, and to make matters worse, we both clash.

I don’t wanna move and I pry to go that I don’t have to, that the ones that bought the house are investors and well let us stay here for the 12 mth lease and then give us another lease. I like it here, I want to live here, I like living on my own, without parents in my life. Free to be myself and stay up to when ever I want.

Life is so fucking unfair and I hate it. And I will admit that it makes me want to get out my trusty pocket knife and start to cut my arms again. Yea, im a cutter, im a damned cutter and I know that ill be going to hell or whet ever the fuck there is after life.

As after all, i am just a spastic. an Autistic girl like me would never be good enough for all the good things in life that others get, huh? Don’t deny it, I see it in the eyes of the world every day. The world scorns those that are different, and I hate it! I hate the ignorance of what its like to live with Aspergers syndrome, what its like to live a life, knowing that your different, knowing that there are ppl out there that see you as retarded, even if you are bright and smart and clever. And you do the fucking best that you can.

I know that I never had perfect grades, I know that my fucking personal hygiene ain’t the best, but I try. I try and try and try and when the light is in my grasp, it’s yanked away from me cruelly,

God, I hate life and yet I don’t wanna die. after all, I have to much life and love in me to give up. Give up on this world just yet. After all, I wanna show up the world that would cast me out into the dirt and trod on me .

So now, im going to log off, work on my art and work on my novel.

I don’t feel like logging onto MSN or AIM. After all, if I do, ill just end up ranting and raving all the more, and I don’t wanna be a burden to those that I know.

Oh, and if your going to just flame for not cutting this, then I don’t give a fuck. You can go eat your flames and charboil yourself.

------
broken_envy: (Default)


WARNING: this contains excessive use of swearing, so if your easily offended by a female using cuss words, please dont read.


Fucking hell! I hate that bitch Mel! I lost two chapters of the first book of the novel trilogy that im working on when she RUDELY pulled the damable plug on my PC. That, and she took my MOTHERS extension cord, two of mine, Zoe and Chris’ power boards, all of my GRANDMOTHERS towels – nanna would be turning in her grave now - REFUSES to pay us money for what SHE owes and to make matters worse, she is an utter bitch.

God, I hate her! Brad - her boyfriend - is an ok bloke, though Mel-bitch controls him and hardly gives him a say in anything. poor bloke. hes deserves better than that.

I just wanna take a hunting knife and carve her heart out and make the fucking slut eat it! GRRRRRRR!!!

I hope that she rots in hell. And I know where she works too. >XD Subway up at Stafford. *Sneers*

Oh oh, and… to make matter worse, our rent-a-house is up for sale. Gods… I swear, Mel-slut is bad luck. The owners put it up for say and didn’t even let us know. Gods. If they wanted us out, then why the fuck did they give us another 12mth lease? I don’t know.

All I know is that I am felling VERY upset, confused and pissed off.

And GRRRRR just thinking about this make my blood boil..

I lost two fucking whole chapters of my story thanks to Mel-slut-bitch. TWO FUCKING CHAPTERS down the drain as the fucking bitch didn’t even have the fucking decency to warn me. Fuck Mel.. shes the biggest ass hole in the world.

GRRR! And those chapters are one offs that I cant write again. Im so pissed off!


*goes to find the stressball and dammit-dolls to take anger out on and spare the muses… for now.*
broken_envy: (Default)
Gah!

I think that ther might be a copy cat out ther that goes by the name of 'ReiArcher' on LJ.

god, i hope it is one and then i can report it to the abuse team at LJ. if they are a copy cat, then they dont have any creatively at all and are just copying others, its rather annoying really.

but of they got bunnied by it, then its ok - i guess. but if not... i swear that i WILL unless my muses - all 500 of them - onto the copy cat. and report them.

or spam there LJ.

grr! it just makes me so mad that that happens. i mean, i know that i was bunnied from a single pic by Dae when i was surfing the net last year in Dec. and i had NO clue that she had an RP going at the time. so i made my own RP with [personal profile] invidia1988  - my love of my life. and have been on and off RPing it for a while now. almost 3 months now. and i just started to posting info and art up on my journal and now this happens. it makes me weary of posting anything RP related up on this journal now.

so much so that i am thinking of making an LJ just for my RP stuff, called Brokens_Muses. it sucks as i dont want to have to do that, but if i have to, i will.

fucking copycats. and i think that i know where this 'rei' got the idea too.

FMA_RP_Haven. My lover and i started that come up in hopes of RPing our AU!AU!RP Archer family there. we put up small bios of them an everything an are just waiting for others to join now.

though if copy cats are going to happen, then that comm might have to shut done or end up being mod'd posting.

anyways, in other news, im going to the Brisbane Supanova Con at the RNA showgrounds in April! XDDDD Im going as Greed - namely as im to lazy to try and make an Archer uniform in under a month. ^___^ but i will post pics and all of my day/s there! XD i might even buy some stuff! like Roy, Archer, Greed, Kimmy, Ed and Envy figurines. !!!!!!! then i can have them make my OT6! EdxEnvyxRoyxArcherxKimbleexGreed. My OT6 is an orgy! >XD
broken_envy: (Default)


Well… now I have typed that… I feel slightly better.

 

But now I have to spell check it.

 

X_____X

Profile

broken_envy: (Default)
broken_envy

January 2009

S M T W T F S
    123
45678910
111213141516 17
18192021222324
25262728293031

Syndicate

RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Jul. 21st, 2017 12:38 am
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios