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Well... ive done it, ive hit rock bottum in my life and nothing ing bloody working any more. not my anime, not anothing.

I feel like im being boxed in and i miss kiya. i miss her as... to me... shes a good friends. a very good friend.

i relieze now tha the pain of being hurt by Him goes deeper than i thought, and I am not ready - not by a long shot - ready to start up anothing like a realtion ship - AT ALL. thers might tell me diffantly, but i know myself and i know that im not ready.

i wont be ready untill i know its time and then it all will happen. you cant push for something, not if the other person is taking ten stepes back for each steep you takle.

i know that my life is fucked up, but its my lofe, i know myself better thn the lot of you.  caouse i am me and i dont give a shit any more what others think of me.

i amyseld and thats all the ther is to it.

i am an anime fangirl - i have my muses, my main ones, my two Roys, my Fem!Archer, my Kimblee, my ed muse and my greed muses.  Ive alos ways worked on the fact that my roys mother is Xinging and this his father is Amestrian. always.  it hardly ever crops up though, but thats asit not hardly needed, but its there. my greed is from the south of Amestris, how ever you speal that contrys name. my Archer is opure blooded Amestrian and my Kimblee has a bit of Xingina blood in him, though more Amestrain. Kimmys great gran mother was Xing.

 i also need more music and bah - maybe ill go work on that naruto/FMA stuff that i have planed.  dont know yet,.

and yes, i know that my speelings shit, but dont tell me,. i dont care at this point.


Jul. 14th, 2007 01:42 pm
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Well, ive not being doing much the last few days - mostly in covens - sometimes in name only, but meh.

Ive been chatting with lana a lot lattly - and its getting harder to deny my feelings of lust/love for her. it its more just mutal need really, but im not sure, and i dont really care, what works, works. but i cant aact on them.

as much as i want to, i cant. and it stings as back in the past, me, lana and Fen wher inpartable. we wher a trio and we did play together at times and it was nice, ive cybered with Fen in the room before, and no one really cared - well, He did, but i dont care hwat He things any more, hes no longer part of my life.

I want to cyber with my friends, but i dont want to couse fights tween kiya and I, yet... i think that i know wher i stand with her, i just feel a very strong freindship with her with a hint of lust.  its becomeing clearer to me thats what it is really,.

and... im not really a one operson girl. i just cant be a one person girl. im more a pioly girl and im a bi. i cant live and thrive in a restricting relationship. i just cant.

when i was with  Damien, i was let do what i want, with how i wanted, as long as i kew my place with Him.  if he wanted me, he got me, other wise, i was alowayed to be myself. and i was happy like that.  yes, he might have hurt me and such with his own behind my back cheating m but he atlest let me bemyself and wasnt... clingy.

i did feel a tinge of envy when he was with Brand, but i knew about that and i was fine with it. brands a freind and me and her cybered a few times. im not going to lie - i enjoyed it and i enjoyed the threesoom with me, her and Damien. even if i was pulled into it a bit reluctantly, i was happy. it felt - it felt right. the threesome that is.

and now im starting to get back into my niche in covens and others are worrying for me as im not normally this reseved in covens,. i have been known to be wild at times, flirting and leading the guys on with my tricks. but i cant - im scared that words going to get out and reach Kiya.

kinda pathic really. i mean, i like her as a freind, but,.,, i think thats all. orginally i freinded her as i was looking for more roleplayes, but... she grew on me as a friend and hel;ped me to open up again, and im glad for that,  i really am.  i just... i just see her a freind more than anything now. yes, thers a tiny bit of lust there, but...

im not going to act on it - as i... i dont like clingy ppl. they feel soffacting to me really and i cant deal with that. i cant dea,l with it being full on 24/7.

but, im going to wait a bit longer, just to make sure that what im feeling is right this time. i dont want to lose a freind ship couse of this. 

just like ill hod back my desires for some of my good freinds, like Aqua, Lana, Brand...


Jul. 11th, 2007 09:30 pm
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why the fuck an i so... bored? disinterested in life right now?

oh, i know, its as i have no Kiya here and its borning with out her.

with out her, my mind starts to slip back to Him, back to who i was early last year.

and i dont want that reminder of the pain that i put others thru. others that cared for me.

my friends in the Coven... i hurt some of them big time i know. i was such a little fool then. i still am at times.

and it hurts to know that. but im glad that i have them. thers true friends. they stayed with me through thick and thin and they got to know me. they got under my sheilds, under the ice queen that i was.

Aqua, Lana, Bear, Fenrir, DN, angel, puppet, mori, Demon, Brand.... ther all my close frineds. they stayed by my side.. and then i upoped and left them.

i had to, He was leading me down a path that didnt wanna go down. so i had to leave, i had to quite cold turky on him, it was my only choice really. then i had to battle my inner demons, the night mares that i had. i still have them at times.

and the headaches that i recieved in the first few weeaks. they wher so bad that i couldnt think straight. litterally. and now that i have returned, ther back. hes trying to lure me back to him, i know. and im scared. my shield is helping, but its not enough, i need to start boosting it and soon. i need to get my black obsidan that i need baddly,. real baddly.

itts only going to get harder from here on it, and i can only hope that i have my friends suport. i know that im going to need it.
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Ok, so I've passed unit one of my course, thats good. Now i'll be starting on unit two sometime to day as dads payed for it already. ^____^

I also have a bunch of stuffs to do before then, so ill focus on getting the other arts out first then while im doing my school work, there wont be much arts out. ^___^


Jul. 10th, 2007 02:50 pm
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ive passed my first unit of school work with flying colours,. all competent. thats good. means that i can move onto the next unit. ^___^

i did a bit of colouring today - not much, Thursday and Friday will be my main coloring days - i hope to get all the art that i drew on the bus up to Bundy colored by this weekend, even if means pulling a few all nighters.

i drew Kiyas Hakuro kids to day - and their personality's are starting to suggest themselves strongly in the pics. but ill talk to kiya and see what she thinks - it may change or may not.

I did a pic of Alex and Raymonds kids and its over on my dA account. the males are up on my y!gallery account. Im starting to think that along with Tristan hitting on Az, Caesar will as well. not yet sure on that one. ill do an art post latter on tonight with whats been don so far. and soon ill be starting to post imaged onto other places as well, so stay tuned for where all thats going. ^___^

i dont know if ill be on at all tomorrow - but Kiya, we have to finish the fourth of july RP bits.

ive updated [profile] zachary_elric's LJ for Easter and up to the fourth of july, im working on Calista and Rhys LJ entry's as well.  once thats all done, then ill bugg Kiya about updating Ryans LJ.

this weekend i plan to be very busy with my art - i hope to get the family pics of all the current guys done. i have my model that i drew, so ill just use that for most of them. ^____^

i also got to talking with another person on AIM and LOL! she got started on her sec gen stuff BEFORE That group even conceived of it. >XD well, the planing stages for the fic that shes writing over on

but meh, im going off line for a bit. jobs to do and what not.
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coming back from up the street, i saw a pair of magpies. ^___^


Jul. 5th, 2007 12:42 pm
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He was in for a bit just now,. we didnt exchange any words. but oh god did i freeze up when i saw His name on the scroll in Covens.

Tacos mans having an affair as well. por girl. i hope that everything turns out for the best.

well, im going to art some more. ^___^ and probly sit down and write a fic as well. ^___^


Jul. 4th, 2007 01:49 pm
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well... i had a scare in Covens this morning.

He was in there, i was dong some of my school work and when i looked back in, i say His name on the list.

I frooze, and then i pulled up Lanas yim window for a security blankie, then when AFKish. after i had told myself that i was SAFE, i started to take again in the room.

we only exchanged a few words, and i was civil as was he. but it was hard. im just still so scared of him.

i hate the feeling of fear that he brings back in me. i can litteraly feel his aura, and it makes me so scared at times.

im just glad that Kiyas in the coven now with me and that shes there. it makes me feel safer.

it really does.


Jul. 3rd, 2007 09:16 pm
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Ok, so im sitting here with my heater on, in Covens, chatting with random passerbys and going though my LJ tagging enterys.

now im starting to wish that i wasnt, as its getting me wrilled up again.

god knows that it was stupid, but.. the past is the past and i really shouldnt let shit over a bunch of names get to me.

i shouldnt. but i do.

ive been f-locking my stuff now so that now one can go off at me. i dont like that at all. couse it just makes me whant revenge, and im not allowed to have those kinds of thoughts. not at all.

why? as then it upsets the balance in me and stars to bring forth ShaoLin AKA Zhao, the darkness in me. and that would be bad. she doesnt like to be disturbed at all that much, but it happens from time to time.

i deal with it though, i have to. just like i have to deal with bein a gt a meduim and other stuff of top opf being a shadow walker.

somedays its not far that this all happens to me, but then i think that its my blessing and my curse. i need need to buy new gloves and soon, i cant keep avoicing touching stuff thats not mine.

i also wanna get a reading by mori done for me, but... the times not right yet. i have to wait a bit longer still.

i also what mori to take a look at kiya - im worried about her. im scared for the person that i have feelings for. though i dont know what yet, i just know that i really, really like her. a lot.

im scared at times by it as its strange for me. but ill work it out. i always do.

Lana, Bear and Faerie friended me tonight and im going to see if i can get DN to - when and if i see her at all.

and value and i trust them with my lives... and i just want them top see me for who i am. really, in all aspects of my life.

Fish called me wise, as did rose. but am i really? i mean, all i am is myself and i say it how i see it.

thats how i am...

but anyways, i hope that DN or Angel are on tonight before i have to run of at like three AM in the morning.

doesnt matter though, ill leave a message on DN's yim with my LJ link.

anyweays, im in a good mood, so ill leave you all with some songs to grab from here.

Killingloneliness by H.I.M, All that i've got by the Used. and Feel by Robbie Willaims
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updated my profile. you can find it here.

but im happy now with it, it says who i am. it is me to the core.

yea, im a passive aggressive bitch, but that is who the fuck i am and i have just in the last week at Covens, been reminded that i have those that care for me.

Lana, Bear, DN, Angel - the old gang that i knew back in 2006. well, some of them. Demon died and fenrir is... hes MIA. the Lord of the Coevn is MIA and Lady Lana misses him,. i miss him as well.

ill be blunt - im not going to hide it any more, im a witch. well, not really,. im more of a shadow walker - a type of witch that works with the shadows of the earth umbra - her shadow really, believe it or not, its no skin off my back if your to closed minded. Im also a medium and i have a nother gift that i hate, but its part of me. ask if you want to know what it, thou 'll probably tell sooner or latter.

even if you are, chances are that ill whine about in covens. heh, i have a rep on ther for being who i am, and for not changing.

i have made a few new friends, Remeb is one of them. im getting a reading done by mori tonight i hope and i MIGHT post it up here, maybe maybe not. depends on whats said in it.

anyways, im gone, im in the Covens - not that you guys need know where it is. XD

you wouldn't like it anyways.

ill have some art up latter on in the new few days.
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ok, heres the rest of the thing about my stay at the Chibis.

We had fish and chips for lunch as we couldnt be bothered to walk all the way to the Sandgate shops - read i whined a bit - the most expy thing was Chibis Steak burger at like almost $8. my combines food total of price was like $9 and then you add in the drinks so it was all up around $22. and i had to pay for it, im not complaining, i just didnt expect it to eat up all my money. oh well.

we walked home and then we watched tenshi muyo - good show, not that im getting into it.

after that, i had some good chats with Karen. shes starting Chemo for her breast cancer soon, and boy she she optimistic about pulling through it. but then again, thats Karen,. she always looks on the bright side of things. i mean. Micks got NF as well, the same the Chibi, and shes just naturally optimistic.

she told me really good advise as well. 'you cant be strong if those that are behind you are playing musical chairs with you. you have to find that one group of ppl that are firmly behind you, no matter what and then you will be stronger.' and Karen means it,. i mean, shes known me all my life practically as shes a good friend of mums, and i have known the Chibi from when she was a baby.

anyways, after dinner, the Chibi and i talked a bit about random stuffs and then latter we watched cowboy bebop. then it was bed.

the morning was uneventful - i hate OMG Breakfast for once, then i drew a bit but nothing worth showing as most of the pages are used up with older drawings that i dated, but never signed. i might show those off.

after lunch it was time to go home,. me and Jk where dropped at Sandgate station and we headed home. train was boring really.

and that was my weekend.
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just an update from where i am right now - over at my chibis house for a sleep over.

not much has happened, but i have found myself again. i have found myself and who i am really am, thats all im going to say for now other than that i am starting to go back to normal.

i found out that my chibi wears glasses as well, and i have promised her that if she is wearing them then full time by 16th aug - my birth day - i'll give her fifty dollars.

the reason that im doing this is to help her. i dont want her to lose her sight latter in life 'cause of this, so she has to wear them.

yes, it will feel strange for her, but she has to get used to it,

she like me, is a megane-wearer. [megane means glasses in Japanese.]

she also has NF and so shes teased a lot about it. but she thinks really negativity about it was well, so it doesnt help. she has to turn her view of it around, to think positively and not let any hateful things get her down.

i used to be VERY negative about my AS, but then i decided that screw the world, im not going to let any one get me down, ill go my own way. my way or the high way. and i have gone my way. i have been off the Sertraline [zoloft] and the ritilin for a good two years now and im fine. im naturally optimistic, so it helps.

there is no cure for NF, no drugs that can managed it, so its all in her mind trhat she cant do good at things. but she can, i know that she can. and i will not let any one say other wise.

Chibi is really good at sose and maths and science - or so she tells me, and i think that she should focus on that and do her best on things that shes good at. and not worry about the other things, it doesnt matter if your not the best at such and such like sport or Phys Ed. if you have strengths that lay else where, then you should go for it.

i dont care of she she not the best, but she is my chibi and i will push and encourage her to excel in things that she is good at.

and i will ALWAYS stand up for her, always.

anyways, have to go as shes hovering wanting to go out, maybe i can grab a hot chocolate or something while im out with the brat-for-hire.LOL >D inside joke tween us too. >XD
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Part one....

I am who i am and I have made mistakes.

I dont ask for forgiveness, nor i want it. sentence me all you want, but i just want to have a life.

From the ashed of my Paste self, i will rise again and i will be stronger.

yes, i have made mistakes, and yes, i am hurt, but i do not hate you. it is not in my nature to be hatefull.

yes, i can be spitefull, but not allways, i would rather forgive and forget than dweel on the past. i belive in karma and what you give is what you get.

i know that i havent been the best at all, and for that, i am truely and utterly soory.

there is nothing that i can do or say to make you change your minds, of that i know.

so im just going to try and move on. i have to. i cant sweel in the past, i cant let Her have her way. i cant let it bee known that my mind is fucked up.. that im not who i seem to be.

yes, that right, i dont want it known, but im telling it. im teeling thruth now. im stick of trying to be nice to everyone. im sick of hiding behind myself.

my name is Emma. and i have a secert that i dont like.

i am..... i am Mulitpull personality disordered, i am passive agressive and i have Aspergers syndrom.

i have one side of me that i fear, and that is Zhao. i am awaer of what she does, but i am not/ i cant stop her from being what she is. i dont like her, but she is part of me,. and she is not.

it is hard to explain, so i will link you to here in hopes that i might hel you understand.

i have more in me as well.... i have Kitty, Cassidy and i have Zora. all who are parts of me that have spilited off from the real me. myself.

for those that i have steeped on ther toes. i am sorry. i am sorry that i ever did that. i, Emma, having nothing but respect for you. i am my self and i do share a computer at times with my sister. yes, i do rant and rave to her about things, but i dont ever ask her to go, and flame artists that i respect. she does that on her own and when i find out, im horiified. i am presoanlly horridifyed that its happened. and i dont understand what is going on in her head. maybe its just some thing to try and protect me, but its backfrieng on me. i am.... i dont need protection from her, nor do i want it this time.

i can look after myself.

hah, just a joke really. i cant. i cant even look after myself and protect me from the night mares.

night mares of Him.

DamienA - shit i cant type his name. but he is the one that hurt me. hes mental fucked withj my mind. he hurt me so baddly that i have scres on the inside that can never heal.

he turned me against myself, against what i stood for and what i cared for. i was NOTHING but a pet to him, ro break and belittel and to lead around like a dog. he knew that i was in love with the idea of vampires,. so he used that against me.

the first week or two was fine, but then... thing started to change. he wouldnt be there, and when he was, it was just for his pleasure, his pleasure. he his fucking pleasure only.

buti stayed, as i thought that he could change, that he was just having a bad time in IRL. by the time that i relised that it wasnt.....

i was to far wraped up in his charms to even know.

oh other saw it. they tryed to get me to leave him, but i was turned against them, and, to my regret, and my shame.... i slandered them, just for Damien's pleasure. i lied for Him. i did EVERTHYTHING! ever fucking thing that i could for him. i wecamed for him, i endured the most brutal and detailed cyber rapes - each one more fucking detailed after the other. rapes that haunt me.

he..... he had me.... he had me play a child of FIVE years old once, just to satify is fucking perverseness. he.... he had me play that child, just so that he could rape them. i hated it. i didnt like it but i did it for him. why?

i was.... i was in love with him. i was in love with him and i was blind to his faults.

i was dragged thur heal and back and it hurts still. i was scared and i am still am.

i.... i regrete that it happened and i wish that i could was the pain and the shame away, but i cant.

so im telling you all this now. why?

as it needs to be told.

i have to get it off my chest.

i cant cry any more as ive cryed myself out now. i cant cryy as im numb inside, still very much broken.

i might RP mindfucks and rapes and other shit, but io am always scared of it, yet i hold my head high and i do my best. i use RPing as a form of threrpy.

yes, not the smartest thing to do, but,... it helps me.

Stay tuned for part two when i can write it dow and arnt saking that much... and ill post up the vidoes as well with the last one.
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Just stuff that hapened on AIM today when i was venting / not venting my feelings over messes and then a bit of something else. not proofed as i am drained, and tired and i need sleep.

 (12:09:55 PM):
ok so i'm on lifejournal looking at things and reading and you posted more posts and um isn't invidia your friend? so why are you suddenly saying nasty thing? i'm lost again (12:13:11 PM): shes not my friend any more... she an i have had a falling out. i cant deal with her IRL stuff all the time.  i cant deal with it being tossed at me and pretend that i care after two gours of that. i cant do that any more. yes, i do care, but up to a certin point in mundane things
w4k1ngw0und3d (12:13:53 PM): wow. not caring about someones life is liek...i dunno, wishin them ded or somethin. i can see how it would be boring thogh (12:14:58 PM): yea 0i do care, but only up to a certin point (12:15:13 PM): and shes push the point to far with me (12:15:44 PM): i talk about the bad stuff, yes, but i dont talk about all the mundane things (12:16:14 PM): l;ike when i hurt my toe, i dont suddenly go [ OOWW! i hurt my toe' or something like that (12:16:20 PM): she does and it... it annoys me
w4k1ngw0und3d (12:16:21 PM): i do that sometimes! like when you see a roahc and yur grossed out and have to shrare! (12:19:16 PM): yea, but not all the tim. not like the most mundast things
w4k1ngw0und3d (12:19:38 PM): peopl like talking about their lifes. it makes them feel important and like people care. but talking about it allthe time is boring your right (12:21:35 PM): yea... i talk about my life, but not all the time. i dont like to be bord and sit here after two hours going ' i dont really CARE! change the subject please'
w4k1ngw0und3d (12:22:40 PM): animes are more fun than rael life anyeay. ther's super poers and things like that. i want to live in an anime (12:24:23 PM): ^___^ yea, anime is so much more fun, and i have my muses free running and she doesnt. its like when my muses pop up for a suptani=ous RP, she gets annoyed. or so i feel.

my feelings are this:

yes, i do care about your IRL, but not the the point wher i wanna know every littel single thing. it annoys me.  very much so. i can honsetly only say that i can stand talking about IRL for about two hours at times and then i start to get bord. i try and change the subject subtlly, but it doesnt work.

now, dont get e wrong here, Invidia. i should have sent you that email, but i didnt. i dont know whay, but i think its as im used to dealling with things out into the open. its the way that i was brought up . i heard all my mother and fathers fights when i was kid, and so i learned that it's ok to call things up out of the past, to aruge out in the open.

if you didnt like any of the plots, you could have told me to stop. but you didnt - only once with that shinigami thing. and i did stop.

yes. your huanted, but so am i. i have had night mares arising about Damien that i dont want to recall. i dream about him finding me, and then talking me and making do all that was done online. mental fuckery is not good, but as i have told you, you have to push yourself to over come it.

to tell the truth, i was very edgy in the start of the Hunter RP with Sinclairs's mental maniptaion of Eddie. but still i played on, making myself go thru it, working out my own personal demons as i whent.

and your the only person that really knows alot about me. a lot of me.

yes, we say things when we are angry. why? i dont know, its just in a humans nature to , i guess. im not making any excuses for what i said, those alot of it i regrete now, just like i cant change the past with Daeva or Forcan - however much i wish to. yesm, its hurts to be laughed at behind your back, but i woyuld have forgiven them as its in my nature, i have for given them. but still i respect them and i dont - i dont go into ther galleryes. but if i do see work that i like of them on DA or Ya!Gallery - i comment. why? as i like it. i comment and i fave on what i like, regardless of who drew it, who wrote it ect. its who i am.

you say that your scared to piss me because i have 'those' pictures? Well - hers a warning: i found them, and i know where they are, but, vindictive i may bem, i am not cruel. had i wanted to/felt the need to. i would have already go into animelab and found Xion and given them to you and made up lies. but i didnt. why? i dont feel the need to. had i wanted to, i could post then up on the net. i havent.

im not cruel. im a bitch, yes, but i am not cold and cruel.

yes, you do annoy me with your endless talk of IRL. i do care, but i dont care to here lots, and lots of talking about IRL. A] it annoys me, and B] i cant really understand whay. i mean, yes, you want friends, but you also have to relieze trhat not every one whants to here your life story or what your doing every thrre mins or so.

i am not sorry that i called you up on your writing, as it annoys me when you do rabbit on and im sitting here going ' ok... so... WHY? havint you goten this all writen up?' to myself, to dam polite to say it to your face.

i do care about you, but in lite of recent events, its doubtfull that you will read this. 

on the RPing side - RPing is NOT shit. for some, its a stress relief - like for me. i use it to escape from the daily grind, yes, i talk about things to someone, but i do not rabid on and on an on about them as i do not wnat to bored others.  and to me, at times, thats hat it does feel like/ TMI is a bad thing.

i honsetly to value as a friend, but at times, you are to much and to annoying for me. at times, you go and on about something that i do not want to hear aboyut. yes, i care that you are ill, no, i do not want to hear about how it affects you other than that you have to cut down on hours on the net.  yes, i care that you nearly dies, no, i dont want to hear how many shades of whate you turned. to know that you nearly dies and where very, very pale is enough for me. my mind can fill in the blanks.

i DO miss talking to you and my muses so miss you. you are, to me, the best RPer that i have had. yes, my Edvy muse is going bleh, but this only as i am personly currently edvyd out.  i do want to fish the RPs with you - esply the secon gen, and i have offered to skip ahead to the fourth of july / Ryokos miscarrige and then skip to the imortant stuff. i myself find it easire to focause when i have a million things to do. why? its just who i am.

when you say stop stressing, im like, in my head ' why? im not stressing dammit!'

hwo ever, you would prefer, we can start the secon Gen all over again, with fewer charaters and another person or few.  i myself want to finshe it as it was instresting. how ever, if you dont want to, i'm going to start a come with all the profiles, and let others steep into fill the gaps, if they wish to.

i have started to find other RPers too... but by far the best i have had is you.

yes, you bloddy annoy me at times and wont shut up about IRL at times - no, i dont wanna hear your life story every time we talk. i want to talk fandomes, i want to beable to have my muses start impromtupe RPS.

i know that i did come off as harsh, but was getting things odd my chest. in all actall fact, i should have priveted it. but i didnt. i wanted you to see what i was thinking.

i... im sorry.

whty is tht so hard to type? because its true and i never wanted any of this, but i cant change time and the past.  nore do i ask for a secon chance, as i dont deseve on.

i.. i.. i just... io just want you to understand - if you wan.  other than that, i dont really. sentance me and i will carry it out.

im sorry.
broken_envy: (Default)

Alright, seeing as im being true myself, and saying what i think right now, hers what i think of certain ppl. and im typing this true myself. i cant... i cant type it any other way, so im sorry if its hard to understand at times.  Ivida, part on of my response is here.

Daeva : --

Forchan : --

Yuriko : --

Phish -
everyone : --

Invidia: -


Jun. 19th, 2007 01:34 pm
broken_envy: (Default)
Well, last night i talked with Yuriko on yahoo - started out with my roy muse demading RP on my status thingy.

let me get the straight first though.

i RP to escape my own past, the stupid things that i have done in the past.

i RP to escape my own mental guilt and to try and forget about it as best i can.

and its mostly worked, up untill now.  Kiya and i used tio RP alsmot every day, but now...

now she keeps pushing my RP attempts back.  i mean, come one, i dont wanna here about IRL ALL THE FUCKING TIME! god damit woman, i'm a fan girl, not an IRL fan. i have enougth fucking probelms of my own and yet you inste on talking about IRL.

this pisses me off as when I try to change the subject, its pushed aside. like when when i tart talking FMA - you go ON and ON about RL and i dont wanna hear that. dammit! i like to talk about fandoms and such, not IRL all the time. im not that kind of person and it, to be perfectly frank and honset, it pisses me off.

of cousrse, im to polite to say it to your face, but i do sit here and go ' i DONT GIVE A FUCK! CHANge the su ject allready."

and its the same with hereing about your book that your working on. fuck, i diont need it rammed down my throught you know.  half the time in not intrested in hearing about it, and to me, its wonder why no ones stolen it yet as you rabit on about it all the time - the same with getting it written. your talking about it, so you dont get it written, as when you talk about it, its the say as telling a story, only its oral and then its been told.

surprizes me that you havent read any how to write a novel books, ad they all say the same thing - DONT TALK, BUT WRITE!

abnd another thing, i didnt steal your kiya - why the hell would i wont when i have my own novel to write, with all the players already cast?  i dont get the point of stealing and i never have stolen anything in my life - thats a fact of life.

now, the fact that im not RPing every day with you any more? its driving me insane as i NEED to RP. you know what, if this keeps back up, im going back to my old SN and fucking around again, maybe ill find my life back again, as i sure as hell dont have one now.

and before you og off and say that im slandering you, im not, i try hard not to slander others if i can help it.

i dont have that buffer between my past and my self any more and it starting to hurt me. kiya, i am starting to wonder if you really are a still a friend or are you two faceing me, slandering me behind my back?  i dont know, but i do know this: if you are deceiving me, then stop it and comeclean.

i asked you for logs, i gave you fucking screen shoots on hwo to retrive them - so wher are the logs? are are you saying that you'll give them to me and then going back on your word?

if you are, then it hurts.

i know that im a fucking passive agressive bitch to, but i really dont care. right now, i dont know what to belive or who to trust and talking to Yuriko and Phish helps - even if its is just fandom stuff and not really much of RL. i dont mind, as thats what i like about it, i like to jump topics fast and if an improtu RP comes up over MSN, then i go with it.

you, i get the feeling, that you dont, you ignore them or push them aside. i let my muses have free rein - my anime muses that is and i crave things that arnt all always fucking Edvy.

i love that pairing, but im also moving onto otrher pairings now, like Roy/Kimblee and Archer/Roy.

now, ill give you two weeks, two weeks to try and change my perseption of you. two weeks and then if that doesnt work out, im going. im changing EVERY thing, email, LJ, MSN, Yahoo and AIM. 

im sorry, but thats the way i feel right now and at lest im willing to give you a chance. but i cant keep going like this. i cant.

i am sorry, really, but i have to say this and i have to get it off my chest, i dont care what you think of me. nor do i care of you hate me.

im to numb right now and thats a fact of life.

and im not spell checking as im typing true to myself from now on.

and that is a fact of me. im sick of trying to please others, so im going back to myself.


Jun. 19th, 2007 08:52 am
broken_envy: (Default)
ugg... three hours sleep is good - but not oif you have restless sleep.

havent seen jack at all either this morning - i hope that hes just hiding at its windy. ^___^

going to try and get somemore sleep.
broken_envy: (Default)
Well... im sitting her at 2.45 AM in the morning - Aussie time, and i can honsetly say that im not going to get ant skleep.

what? aside for a muse being whining, memories of Him are comeing back.

the one thats hurt me so baddly.

broken me and made me fear so much.

he hurt me, deeply. he scared me in ways that i will NEVER forget.

i go involed with the wrong person and im still paying for it.

i always will, i know that. to live in fear of being hurt again, to never really trust...

its hard on me and i know that i do my best to cover up the pain in my soul. fuck, i used to enjoy RPing with vampires untill he mentally fucked with my mind.

DamienAranath... i will never for give him.

i meet him in a chat room and i feel hard and i fell fast for him for his power that he had, orthe fact that he was a vampire. i was - and still am, very much hooked on vampires - but im scared of them. allbecause of what happened.

im not going to go into detail, but enough to say that i had my mind fucked with and my trust destroyed,. i was jerked around and now im paying for it.

it hurts... it still hurts so baddly as i did love him. but he just used me, fucked me up and when i did leave him, i took to being a cyber slut, cybering who ever wanted me. i did it all. i fucked myself up motre as at the time, its all that i thought that i was worthy of - to be a fucked up cunt.

and then i started to RP, and i dived in to the fandoms, hoping that by RPing, it would all go away.

and dfor a while, it did.

but now... its not.. and im falling.

and i dont know if i'll beable to save myself this time..

i really dont.


Jun. 18th, 2007 02:05 pm
broken_envy: (Default)
WEEEE!!! Im enrolled in cert 3 of screen now! WEEE! I’m so happy!

I know that its gonna be a lot of work but im willing to put the effort into it. I wanna be someone with my art, and I will be.

My sister took me into the city this morning to meet with dad – who paided for the first course, and then we whent out to lunch. I had a ham and cheese sandwitch and zoe had a muffin. Mm.. chocolate. Dad had to go back to work so he didn’t join us.

Then we headed ho,e. we stoped in at brook side and this happened waiting for the buse.

Me: my backs itchy!@ * trys to reach it* ugg! I’ll use a ruller to scarach it when I get home as I cant reach it. ;___;
Zoe: you’re a strange one.
Me: * a min latter* im not strange! Im just me. ^_____^
Zoe: *rolls eyes as the buss comes.*

Please not that I hate just had a sugger hit as well so I was and still am rather hyper. ^___^

But yes, now im off to start finding out what to do for my online course.

So, if you see ‘Busy with School Work’ on any of my messengers, im studying / doing stuff for the course im taking. ^___^

OH! And to all my contacts, I have a new AIM – its – yes, I used my Email to make my AIM SN as im to lazy to recall my other ones pass word * has forgotten it. *
broken_envy: (Default)
Well, the trip up to Bundy was great.

I had a sail on Spirit - thats Bob's boat. Shes only a small 12 footer, i think, but she handles like a dream in the water. yes, i even had a sail. And i know that I want to own my own boat one day. my heart and Soul belong to the Sea. her call is so powerful. but then again, considering that i have lived on a boat from the age of about 1 1/5 to the age of five and half, i think thats ok for me to want to be on the sea. oh and i have the photos to prove it as well - there currently at mums with all the baby photos though.

After the sail, mum and bob and I headed to the Kennels where Peter and May live. we dropped in and they were glad to see me. Petter made a lot of jokes that i didnt get, but thats ok as he never goes overboard - hes known me from when i was just a tiny, tiny baby.

then we came back home, had dinner,. watched We are they now at my insistance as there was a bit on Tracy and Darwin. Darwins my birth city, so i was curious. i know that i've heard the story a million times of how Tracy was not thought to be that bad ect ect, but i'm still curious. Tracy also brought up the topic of dreams.

now. i dont remember my dreams that often, nor do i wake up in cold sweet that often. but, the month preceding the Boxing Day Tsunami, i CLEARLY remember waking up almost ever morning in cold sweat, gasping for breath. two weeks before it happened, i started waking up crying, and mum was getting worried as this normally doesnt happen to me. then, the week, to the day, before the thing, i woke up screaming and crying and in a tangel of my sheets. mum says that i was clearly distraught and that i would not shut up about 'water, blood, fear, panic and screams. LOTS of blood in the water too. ' she and i just pasted it off as a shark attack dream, but t5hen a week latter, the tsunami hit and i was in a cold sweat seeing the images.

i was scared and both me and mum knew that i had drempt about it in some way.

then after that was the star wars thing, that sparked a long talk on good and evil that lead in values in life and some other things. but me and bob where right into it, talking and debating things and bob said that i was keeping up with the pace very well and not getting confused like i do at times. he said that i was getting clearer in my meanings as well and what not.

then it was Greys antmony time and i whent back to reading. then i was bed time and i did all the things before i go to bed that i have to - i'm getting better at it mum says. ^____^

todays morning was borning and lazy, and we left at two and got back at 6. mum reckoned in the car that there must have been a bush fire near by around Noosa or somewhere close to that as there was smoke on the road and all that. i think that she might have been right. have to cheak the paper in the morning.

i'm going up to bunderberg again for the last few days of the June - July holidays, so im looking forward to that. i might find my note pad that i left there this time - GRRRR!! and i had Eternitys book outline and chapter one ploted out as well - at long last as Bob said.

anyways, on fandom news -

I have naruto kidies finaly! after racking my brains for names for the them, i finally have them. ^____^ - i worked on them in the car ride home.

Ino / Shikimaru - Chizu and Hiroshi Nara. Identical twin males age 16 years old. Both are VERY smart, though Chizu is a show off.

Itachi / Fem! Kisame - Agisu, the smart, sarcastic one. aloft and thinks that EVERYthing is his. is an only child so is SPOILT rotten. is also the heir to the uchiha clan.

Naruto / Sakura / Sasuke - Naruto and Sakura spawn Asuji there only son. hes about age 15 and is kinda like Naruto. Sakura and Sasuke spawn two girls, Ami and Chiyo - there both smart asses and are aged 14 and 13.

Orochi and Fem!kabuto spawn only one male kid called Samara. hes a medic nin.

and we'll have Orochi and Saskuke spawn names when i get the chance to consult with Kiya on this.

now, im off to do a LOT of things.


broken_envy: (Default)

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