Jul. 14th, 2007 01:42 pm
broken_envy: (Default)
Well, ive not being doing much the last few days - mostly in covens - sometimes in name only, but meh.

Ive been chatting with lana a lot lattly - and its getting harder to deny my feelings of lust/love for her. it its more just mutal need really, but im not sure, and i dont really care, what works, works. but i cant aact on them.

as much as i want to, i cant. and it stings as back in the past, me, lana and Fen wher inpartable. we wher a trio and we did play together at times and it was nice, ive cybered with Fen in the room before, and no one really cared - well, He did, but i dont care hwat He things any more, hes no longer part of my life.

I want to cyber with my friends, but i dont want to couse fights tween kiya and I, yet... i think that i know wher i stand with her, i just feel a very strong freindship with her with a hint of lust.  its becomeing clearer to me thats what it is really,.

and... im not really a one operson girl. i just cant be a one person girl. im more a pioly girl and im a bi. i cant live and thrive in a restricting relationship. i just cant.

when i was with  Damien, i was let do what i want, with how i wanted, as long as i kew my place with Him.  if he wanted me, he got me, other wise, i was alowayed to be myself. and i was happy like that.  yes, he might have hurt me and such with his own behind my back cheating m but he atlest let me bemyself and wasnt... clingy.

i did feel a tinge of envy when he was with Brand, but i knew about that and i was fine with it. brands a freind and me and her cybered a few times. im not going to lie - i enjoyed it and i enjoyed the threesoom with me, her and Damien. even if i was pulled into it a bit reluctantly, i was happy. it felt - it felt right. the threesome that is.

and now im starting to get back into my niche in covens and others are worrying for me as im not normally this reseved in covens,. i have been known to be wild at times, flirting and leading the guys on with my tricks. but i cant - im scared that words going to get out and reach Kiya.

kinda pathic really. i mean, i like her as a freind, but,.,, i think thats all. orginally i freinded her as i was looking for more roleplayes, but... she grew on me as a friend and hel;ped me to open up again, and im glad for that,  i really am.  i just... i just see her a freind more than anything now. yes, thers a tiny bit of lust there, but...

im not going to act on it - as i... i dont like clingy ppl. they feel soffacting to me really and i cant deal with that. i cant dea,l with it being full on 24/7.

but, im going to wait a bit longer, just to make sure that what im feeling is right this time. i dont want to lose a freind ship couse of this. 

just like ill hod back my desires for some of my good freinds, like Aqua, Lana, Brand...


Jul. 11th, 2007 09:30 pm
broken_envy: (Default)

why the fuck an i so... bored? disinterested in life right now?

oh, i know, its as i have no Kiya here and its borning with out her.

with out her, my mind starts to slip back to Him, back to who i was early last year.

and i dont want that reminder of the pain that i put others thru. others that cared for me.

my friends in the Coven... i hurt some of them big time i know. i was such a little fool then. i still am at times.

and it hurts to know that. but im glad that i have them. thers true friends. they stayed with me through thick and thin and they got to know me. they got under my sheilds, under the ice queen that i was.

Aqua, Lana, Bear, Fenrir, DN, angel, puppet, mori, Demon, Brand.... ther all my close frineds. they stayed by my side.. and then i upoped and left them.

i had to, He was leading me down a path that didnt wanna go down. so i had to leave, i had to quite cold turky on him, it was my only choice really. then i had to battle my inner demons, the night mares that i had. i still have them at times.

and the headaches that i recieved in the first few weeaks. they wher so bad that i couldnt think straight. litterally. and now that i have returned, ther back. hes trying to lure me back to him, i know. and im scared. my shield is helping, but its not enough, i need to start boosting it and soon. i need to get my black obsidan that i need baddly,. real baddly.

itts only going to get harder from here on it, and i can only hope that i have my friends suport. i know that im going to need it.


Jul. 5th, 2007 12:42 pm
broken_envy: (Default)
He was in for a bit just now,. we didnt exchange any words. but oh god did i freeze up when i saw His name on the scroll in Covens.

Tacos mans having an affair as well. por girl. i hope that everything turns out for the best.

well, im going to art some more. ^___^ and probly sit down and write a fic as well. ^___^


Jul. 4th, 2007 01:49 pm
broken_envy: (Default)
well... i had a scare in Covens this morning.

He was in there, i was dong some of my school work and when i looked back in, i say His name on the list.

I frooze, and then i pulled up Lanas yim window for a security blankie, then when AFKish. after i had told myself that i was SAFE, i started to take again in the room.

we only exchanged a few words, and i was civil as was he. but it was hard. im just still so scared of him.

i hate the feeling of fear that he brings back in me. i can litteraly feel his aura, and it makes me so scared at times.

im just glad that Kiyas in the coven now with me and that shes there. it makes me feel safer.

it really does.


Jul. 3rd, 2007 07:14 pm
broken_envy: (Default)

Well, when i first got back to the Coven, Lana asked me to do some art for her, so here it is.

its just the rough under base, and i have to fix up a few things, but ill do that in opencanvas/GIMP work.

and my scanner sucks ass.
LadyLana69 and Eternal_Shadows. XD I snuck in as well. XD )

And heres some art that i showed Kiya this morning. >XD i am SO Evil at times.
Mmm... The guys in skirts - Rhys! stop posing! )


broken_envy: (Default)

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