broken_envy: (Broken Inside)
2009-01-17 08:35 pm
Entry tags:

(no subject)

Cos I need to do this, and its what i keep this LJ around for.


I dont expect an easy life.

But from the time I was young, its what was given to me. and 'easy' life. A life of materialism. I was the here kid, have a toy to shut up. Thats what it was like for me, and to an extent, my sister. mum did it the most, dad somewhat. But it was mainly mum who did it.

Shao-Lin came to me, and i recall feeling so happy that there was someone who was like me, but everything that i wanted to be. I still dont know why she came, only that she did. Shadow joined us Latter, and we make a triad. A protection Triad.


After i was dx'd it got worse. In a way, i wish, I wish to god that i had never been told. That i didnt know that i had AS. Life.. would have been easier, and harder.

But i knew that i had it, and it hardly bothered me. Mainly as the adults started to pay me more attention, that i want getting my my classmates. And i liked the attention. It was a kind of love, in a way. Not the love that i crave to this day, but a love nonetheless.

And mum started to get distant, and tell me things. like i was a brat. I am not. I am not lazy. I am not anything that she told me. though years of that kind of stuff has cut deeply. Scared me. Hurt me. Made me vulnerable to those who got into the ice walls that i had brought up to protect me from any more hurt.

But then i got my cat, Jack, and everything changed. I had someone who loved me cos of me, who didnt care that i had melt downs or was frightened of the dark ect. He loved me for me. And when i lost him, it hurt, a lot. I lost a part of me that i'll never get back.

I was given things to shut me up, and i was sheltered a lot. By mum, and by Shao-Lin. Rules i had that my sister didnt. Or she faulted her in a way that i wish that i had the guts to. I think that the last time of a very limited number of times that I stood up for myself.. mum backhanded me and i feel down the stairs. I was 16 at the time, just after we has moved into the new house. Shao-Lin had told me time and tim eagain to stand up for myself.

I learnt that day that standing up to yourself doesnt do any good. It only brought me pain. So i stopped doing it. It wasnt getting me anywhere.

I recall the fact that i had to fight tooth and nail to be able to even control what little money that i started to get from centerlink after i turned 16. $375 a fornight. I bought my own PS2 with it. I was so happy.

And then i started to flaunt the rules like i;d seen zoe do. I stopped within a few months as the gains did not outweigh the risks.

the next time i stood up for myself was when i was 18 and fighting to be seen as an adult. And then i left home, only to end up back home a few months later. Mum wasnt happy, she told me that i was still a kid.

I believed her for the longest time. To much freedom at once is to much, or so she said. But i fought in my own way, and started to grow beyond what she could control.

I know the day that i started was when i stoped taking the meds that i was on. I hated them so much. and I have never looked back. Mum attempted to stuff me back on them time and time again, but I never took the bait.

I have grown, but I remain emotionally distant, as i know that i never really had a mother that i could conect with. She was just there. a bitch really who gave me things, then was distant. My sister stands up for me, but i know that she cares and whats to help me as much as she can, in her own way.

Dad is dad. Dad was the one i went to the most to talk to as a kid. cos he listened without judging, he told me that i am me, that i am a very pretty person.


But despite that, i still have trouble with my emotions. I have them, But i dont know how to handle it. I am learning though. slowly, painfully. But i am learning.

And to me, thats all that maters. I buy things as they make me happy, for a time. And then i need more. Love is what i need. I thought that i had it in skye, until she very publicly broke up with me.. in the school canteen on a very packed day. No warning, just out of the blue, or so it seemed. It hurt as, but i am more or less numb to it right now. Then again, i'm almost always numb now. I miss her love, but i cant get it back. :( So i just have to love on.

Only what i believe and know that i can do ultimately matters. The few close friends that i have know this well. They know the storm that is me.

And the know how to deal with it. Or i hope that they do.

As though I can change, I will still fundamentally be me.
broken_envy: (Default)
2008-10-30 08:22 pm

Thank you.

I can die happy now.

Thank you so much for reminding me of the fun that I had before The Wank and Fight.


And you're right.. They just wanted to start wank over something that they wanted not to share.



Xposted to my other LJ.
broken_envy: (Broken Inside)
2008-08-17 02:41 pm

You will be missed, Jack. You will be missed to very much. [X-Posted from my other LJ as well.}

So I'm 21 now...

And i feel so numb as my world has litterally fallen away from me.

I lost my cat, Jack, yesterday. On my birthday.

Unfair? Maybe. But I dont think so.

Cos I think that he's done his job... that he'd taught me to care for another liveing thing. I miss him so much though.

We had to put him to sleep as he was litterally on a dialisis all of friday night as his kidneys had reached end stage failure and it was only found when we took him to the vet for a check up.

We whent and saw him sat morning, and said our goodbyes. he talked to us in his meows, telling us that he hated it and that he was ready to go. I know that he knew what was going on. We have some phots with him.

Then I just said do it. It was over so quicky after that. they took out the drip, and use that to put in the stuff that they use to make them sleep. Its so quick and painless they say. I heard his last breath as it left his lunges, and it freaked me out. It really did. I

I pet him all the time though, and told him that i loved him, and that i'll miss him. I kept petting him right to the end and I was crying when mum had top lead me away from him in the end as i did NOT want to leave him.

I guess it was denial that he was gone now, gone for good. That it would be the last time in a long while that i walked out those doors.


I woke up this moring at 7... and I was crying in seconds as ther was no familar lump at the end of my bed. I ended up crying myself to sleep, again. I didnt gfet up till about 10.00 am.


Now I just have to keep going, put one foot infront of me though my worlds fallen out from under me.

I love skye, yes, but she's not been in my life as long as jack, and i'm sure that she understands. my world, my reason that i was always so happy is pretty much gone now. patting human hair is not like patting a cats fur. at all.

But I will be strong, and I will remember him, but i know that he's want me to be happy, to recall the good times. And I will..

And I have skye to help me.

Just have to find my feet again in an unsteady world right now.

And I know, i know in my heart that when i talk about this, i seems blank, distant and detached. But i'm not. I just dont know who to put the facts any other way. And that hurts the most.


We killed our loniness together, we suffered the good and bad times together.

He was my wonderwall who saved my from myself, and I thank him for that.

And now he's with God. I know that I am not very religious, but thats one thing that I belive in. Is that god up in heaven looks after all of the soulds of every living thing in this world, reguardless of who and what they are.


I will miss you, Jacky-boy, and I will never forget you. And i know that oneday, you will find your way back to me, in whatever guise you take.


RIP Jack. You will be missed.
broken_envy: (Default)
2008-07-10 01:18 am

... So i finally told someone my little secret. *Posted my other LJ as well.*

Welcome to a world where the air I breathe is mine
There's nothing to overwhelm me and nothing to cloud my mind
Be anyone, do anything I'd ever want to try
Time doesn't exist here

Slip into a world where the air I breathe is mine
There's nothing to overwhelm me and nothing to cloud my mind
Come with me into it and you know what you will find
Time doesn't exist here, we will never die

(Our Own Little World)




I finally told someone.. my dirty little secret that i've hid from everyone as i am so ashamed of this fact. I'd rather it never happened, but it it... The secret is just /how/ close i came to being raped two years ago by a guy *twice my age* when i stupidly went camping with him, alone, on Frasier Is.

And only cos i woke up in a shaking fit from one of the nightmares where I /WAS/ raped and the guy wouldnt listen to me, no mater how freaked out i was. I saw it - in all its detail, it felt so fucking real to me. I felt so violated, so dirty. So used and betrayed. And it didnt help that the guy that fucked with my head in an online relationship that lasted about 6mths was there, twisting everything in his own demented way.

I never told anyone, not even my own mother. How could I tell her that her oldest had made an error and almost paid for it with her virginity? I couldnt. I still cant. I cant even tell my own sister about it.

And it because of that one act, that I push others away if they get to close to me. I freak out, big time and do stupid things. And i honestly hate it. I dont want to, but its a reaction that i cant help. I dont want to be hurt again, so i hurt them first. Cyber rape and being fucked with in head online is one thing, but coming so close to actual rape itself... Is not something that I would wish on anyone.

And this is a secret that i have to keep until I can find a shrink thats willing to talk to me about these issues. I do need to talk to someone, but I'm, so scared of reaching out only to be burnt at the stake for asking for help, no matter how long ago this happened.

Gods above and below, i pray that i'll find the strength to go to a shrink soon.


As I /want/ to get over this hurt so much. I want to move on in my life.




Parts of songs that speak a lot about me and my state of mind.  )
broken_envy: (Default)
2008-06-08 12:09 am

Life can go screw its self cos i dont care what others think of me. :)

mmmm...

Sometimes I really do wonder about humans. I don't know why, I just do. I can't help it. I really cant.

Then I think about Myself, and how disorganized I am.

I need to get my old hard drive scrubbed for the Novel file that I have. Most of the other stuff i have backed up in various places so I'm not complaining, not really. I just really, really need that fucking novel file of like 80 typed pages. Or even the first fifty pages. the first fifty would be a REALLY good help, as then i can rewrite scenes that i need to.

Mmm.. I think that i'll ask some of the guys at TAFE about getting files off busted hardrives. might be a waste, but if the files in good shape and i can get it out, then imma gonna do it.


been doing a lot of research of late and started to buckle down again. Its good, means that I will get something done, and soon. I just need to find my inspirational music again [CoughTFScoreandsoundtrackandoldermusicthatshiddencough], and i'm set for novel writing. Nothings gonna stand in my way. Now, if i could find that black USB, i'll be right. ^___^ knowing me, it could be anywhere at all. I might ask mori to help me tonight or tomorrow night, ^___^




in my personal life, things aint good.

My GF is now another EX, and it'll hit me sooner or latter, ive already ranted to mysister many times, so i dont know if imma gonna rant here or not, I might end up posting songs.

In the fandom world, i'm collecting the TF comics and i think that I like Sixshot the most interms of design. hes just plain wicked. got the first two issues of Reign of Starscream and loving that so far, Screamer is like the best right now. XD and TC seem to be diff. XDDD! movie!TC might be my fave seeker. got a few new TF toys - Elita-1 is a bitch to transfomer though, and i want some of the bigger toys, but ... ug. Mum is telling me not to wasit my money of pointless crap.

Hello, woman, you DONT FUVKING CONTOL ME ANYMORE! jesus fucking christ, i hate the fact that she's a control freak with me and i hardly have any say in how i wanna spend my stuff. she just pisses me the hell off. i know that i have bills and debts to pay, but she goes on an on and one about them. and its like shut up woman, I dont need this in my life, fuck, she didnt really like my GF now that i think of it. but i dont care, yea, approvals nice, but she aint gonna choose who i go out with. fuck it all. just... fuck the world right now. I am who I am, and nothings gonna change me. so just deal with it. Love me, hate me, but let me be me. Thats all i want in life.
broken_envy: (Default)
2008-03-29 10:11 pm

(no subject)

Thoughts and what not.  )




Sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile
The precious moments are all lost in the tide, yeah
They're swept away and nothing is what it seems
The feeling of belonging to your dreams

Listen to your heart
When he's calling for you
Listen to your heart
There's nothing else you can do
I don't know where you're going
And I don't know why
But listen to your heart
Before you tell him goodbye


Every time you get up and get back in the race
One more small piece of you starts to fall into place – yeah
‘Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you’re made of
You might bend ‘til you break
‘Cause it’s all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you’ve had enough
You get mad, you get strong
Wipe your hands, shake it off
Then you stand, then you stand


No hell to discover
I’ve got it all inside myself
Salvation you have preached is gone
No way, you can’t turn it around
Falling apart
There’s nothing real
That will convince me to change but I’ll go through



I'll take you by the hand,
And I'll show you a world that you can understand.
This life is filled with hurt,
When happiness doesn't work.
Trust me and take my hand,
When the lights go out you'll understand.
Anger and agony are better than misery.
Trust me I've got a plan.
When the lights go out you'll understand.



More stuffs..  )





And for my beloved...
I love you, but at times, a song can say more than what i can...  )
broken_envy: (Default)
2008-02-19 07:26 pm

(no subject)





MY LOVER SKYE AND I


WILL HAVE BEEN


TOGETHER FOR 2


MONTHS ON THE 29TH!


GO ME!







Eee.. No, you can't steal Skye from me. She's mine. Get your own girl. She's all mine!


// Random in dead LJ. >__>
broken_envy: (Default)
2007-11-18 11:46 am

more insanity

Call me Insane, but this is what I’m taking on for [profile] art_100  . ^___^;;;

PS: Any one know who to stop the tables from sitting halfway done the page when ther NOT ment to be?
broken_envy: (Default)
2007-10-11 09:45 pm

(no subject)

life sucks at times.

just one let down after another and i really dont know why i bother at times.

its not my fault im messed up, really.

its Damiens fault.

i let him in and he uses it againast me, playing mind games with me.

i shouldnt trust him, i dont know whay i let him talk to me again.

i think that i felt sorry for him. he said that he'd chamged, yet i dont trust him at all.

i dont trust anyone.

and thers there Sandra, my Ex girlfriend. she dumped me rather harshly and she still carries the bitterness that she used to dump me.

i'm having doubts and i dont know what to do.

more latter.
broken_envy: (Default)
2007-10-11 03:11 pm

(no subject)

Damnit Damien
!

thers a reason that i didnt wanna talk to you, but did i listen to my self?

no! i didnt!

fuck it, no im having my doubts about my chosen path and its ALL YOUR FAULT!

i hate you! i hate you!

it was a mistake! a mistake to talk to you again!

i hate you with all my being!


i will not... i will not let you get a hold over me!



go screw yourself as i dont believe in you any more.


you wont screw me over again.
broken_envy: (Default)
2007-10-11 11:20 am

(no subject)

I hate this, not being able to say No to anyone.

why do i keep trying to believe that hes changed, when he hasnt.

its becouse im a stupid girl that why. im stupid and foolish and i dont deserve the happyness that i should get,.

but i do. i do deserve to be happy, and with him back in my life..


i dont why i let him talk to me again, when i should have been more of the Ice Queen to him. should have, should have, should have, should have. should have don this, done that. but....

no,,, i cant klook back. ive got to move on.

i can not allow myself to be hurt again.


i say thatm, but then i just slide and fall back into the trap.

i am happy, i am.

i have things that are worth living for, thingsthat are worth fighting for and to say that i dont is false.

but....

i feel so alone.

and i dont want to be alone anymore.

but i am. i havent let anyone get to know me, i mean really know me... not scince she dumped me.

i'm still hurting for that, and i know that she will say good.

but i havent done anything to be deserving of this.


not at all, and i want it to stop.

i try and leave the past alone, let it lay, but this is happening and i am getting scared. i dont know who to turn to, who to trust and i am scared.

yes, me, the one that so proudly sya that im not scared of anythi9ng, is scared.

i am sick of trying to be someone im not and its got to stop.

i cant live in a fantasy world any more. my dreams and such are just dreams. nothing more.

i am not special in any know of way, i dont want to be cought up in some hoobledly gook shit.

i just want to live my life and i will.

I will live my life the way i want to.
broken_envy: (Default)
2007-09-06 08:40 pm
Entry tags:

TRANSFORMERS RPG ADVERT



Come and join in the fun and the insanity at TF2007_RPG, an RPG Based on the Movie and G1 series of Transformers.


Claiming post
Rules and the profile
Taken List
OOC Comm

The Allspark is gone. It seems as if the Decepticons are gone. But what if Optimus Prime's call to the other Autobots to join him on Earth was heard not only by his allies but by Decepticons as well?

It's still our world, and it's still their war... and it's far from over yet.

The movies over, but the war is still raging. And things are heating up with the Forces coming to Earth, which side shall you chose? With both sides now facing their own problems, and discontent rife with in the ranks of the Decepticons, the war between factions is starting to spill out and drag humans into the fray, on both sides.

Please note that having a RP LJ is not needed, but it is greatly encouraged as there will be action taking place on them. DO NOT make the RP LJ until you are allotted your character choices. Its first come first serve and ALL levels of RPing are encouraged to join up.

Humans wanted:

Glen Whitman, William Lennox, Sarah Lennox, Trent, Keller, Tom Banachek, Epps, Jorge, 5 or 6 Sector Seven OCs [See here for details], Raul [if you plan on playing him, please see Contact the Tracks RPer as they are NPCing him for now.]

Decepticons WANTED!

Hook, Scrapper, Mixmaster, Scavenger, Long Haul, Bonecrusher{movieversion}
Swindle, Brawl, Blast Off, Onslaught
Shockwave, Ratbat and Bussaw [1], Thundercracker, Dirge, Ramjet, Thrust,
Shrapnel, Kickback, Bombshell - All three are currently under consideration.
Astrotrain, Blitzwing, Octane

[1] these two are able to be picked up along with TWO other larger mechs.

Autobots wanted:

ARCEE is wanted badly~!

CURRENTLY WE ARE NOT TAKING ANY MORE AUTOBOTS UNTIL THE 'CONS HAVE MORE TROOPS. Arcee is trhe exception ONLY


HELD

Megatron

Blackout[w/ Scorponok]

Its not needed to have any knowledge of the prequel stuff or the comics, only G1 and the 2007 movie.
broken_envy: (Default)
2007-08-21 12:21 am

CadeBee is love.

Done for [profile] 1sentence, posted to my LJ and posted on FF.net under the user name Shadowed Chaos

I don’t own anything of the Transformers, if I did, Cade and Bee would have been a cannon pairing and there would have been mech-smex with Cade and Bee.
 

Forgive me if I get any OOC, and yep, hints of Jazz/Bee,  all one sided too. >XD

 

 

Next half will be up within the week and god help me if I dare go and claim Cade/Same OR Cade/Sam/Bee.

broken_envy: (Default)
2007-08-18 02:00 am

In reguards to Kiyas DA jurnal thingy...

To those that read this..

[will be proofed in the morining, i SWEAR it, im tired, dammit!]

Think what you will of Invidia. slag her and call her a coward, but if ther is one thing that i know, its this:

REAL friends will be ther for you , always, throw thick and think, rain or fire. all of it. they will stay by your side like a banicale, and no matter what you do, they will take it all.

yes, there might be bitterness at the hurtfull things that wher said, but in time, that will fade.

I willingly let Kiya slag my name around, hardly raiosing a protest. why?

i really dont know.

and then she contacts me out of the blue, and at first, fuck yes, i was weary. its sad, but its the thruth.

I still love her, but... distance, drama and hatefull words have put a wall up that i find that i want to breach, but im SCARED of what lays beyound.

thanks to certian ppl, this has happened.

there not a group that encourges friendship, ther a griuop, that i personly have found, would rather distroy them and maniplate both parties.

Im cutting ALL ties with that group. the fuckers are fuckers in my opion. and i dont care if they slander my name or what. im beyound caring.

Kiya, i... i really dont know whats going to happen, but..

i know that I'll stand by your side as long as you let me, even then, you'll find it hard to get rid of me. Your a friend, but theres a wall of bitterness thats going to take sometime to come down. witch is a pitty, but.... its life, ;___;

oh, and UNBLOCK ME FROM COMMENT!

...before i pull out the nuke to nucke the blockade. >__>;;
broken_envy: (Default)
2007-08-17 03:51 pm
Entry tags:

b'day come and gone -- i feel old now.

Well… yesterday day, my time, was my birthday.

Yup, im 20 years old.

Mum took me to the EKKA [Ekka on Wiki] too for it, and here's some shots.





Other than that, nothing much happened, bar mum got me ticks to see this show. ^__^ im SO HAPPY!




On my birthday, we went an saw the Simpson movie and then had dinner, just me and mum. It was nice. And now mums talking about my 21st. ;___;

I think that i'm scared already.

Oh yea, and I printed out this pic and had my mum guess who it was. >XD She got it right away too. >XD I love my mum and her putting up with my crazyness.
broken_envy: (Default)
2007-08-17 01:28 pm
Entry tags:

ALL HAIL STARSCREAM!

MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! i AM a decepticon girl! Fear me!

I AM
63%
STARSCREAM
Take the Transformers Quiz
broken_envy: (Default)
2007-08-11 01:36 am
Entry tags:

I'm so insane.



Well… Seeing as im bored, and I need some inseperation, both in my writing and my art, I’ve picked up a few challenges and what not. knowing me, Ill end up doing a lot of them for both art and writing. Weee! More stress! Its amazing how well I do WITH stress. * is insane and proud of it. *



For the [profile] 100_prompts,
broken_envy: (Default)
2007-08-10 07:16 pm
Entry tags:

Leo

August 10, 2007 - Leo:

There can be quite a lot that you aren't saying now, but this may stem from what you don't know, rather than anything you consciously withhold. This is unusual, for you are more often the type of person who makes it your business to know everything that's important. But it's possible that something is being hidden from you. Make it your job today to find out what's going on.
broken_envy: (Default)
2007-08-10 06:59 pm
Entry tags:

stuff

Its always the same these days... im wondering, nothings catching my attention any more and im listening to the same handfull of songs over and over again.

i cant get a person of my mind, and to be frank, i'd rather not. why? couse its all thats keeping my head about the insanity thats in my life. they killed the lonelness in me, yet now its back.

bah, i dhouldnt go on like thbis about one person that i really did love, but fucked up my chance with her.

my body hurts too and i need to go to the docs. i had a blood nose today for no reson at all. the last time i had that was when i was about 6 and my hands wher cover in blood from it.

then again, this is the end of a transtion with Saturn moving into a new star sign. been the hardest two years of my life. three years i think. im not sure. lots of things are happening and im scared. i keep having the same dream as well, what little that i can recall of it - blood, lots of blood and thers panic and screaming and faer as well. it scares me and twice now, ive woken up in a cold sweat.

in other news, ive found my art soul again and im doing likes of drawings, posting some up on DA, some not. im not sure if im going to go back to Y!Gallery at all. i think that i will, eventually, but not right now.

not when nothing feels right. nothing feels right and im always in pain now. Mori says that i NEED to go to the docs, but i have no money.

*sigh* and i'm turning 20 in less than a week. im not going to be a teen any more and thats scaruing me. ive leaving some part of my lif and im scared that ill fuck up the next stage in my life.

* sigh* oh well, ill mange to get throw, i always do. i might have a weeakraor and bite, but i have VERY big will to shine. a will to get wher i want to be going to.


and no, im not posting an art or stuff up on this thing again,. this going to be a jurnal from now on. its my space out here, wher i speak my mind. i really, really dont care if you like me at all. if you dont like me, then doing to read my LJ.
broken_envy: (Default)
2007-07-30 12:08 am

(no subject)

Well...

this is it,. i'm sheding my skin and leaving the husk that was broken_Envy - im gone. from here. from Live jurnal only that is.

i dont really care any more, im not going to waste any more nights crying of some jack ass of a wimp that cant face ther own fucking fears and leave with me and my stress bringers.

fuick you kiya, i hope that you rott in hell. you got into my heart, past my shields,. i opened up, let you see me for who i was and then you do this,

your not worth the pain to my heart.

i can live with the numbness. i can live with the bitterness that you left in your wake,

i hope that you destroy everything good in your life, i really do.

you say that you distroy all you touch? well, its true.

you distroyed me, my heart. i made the mistake of letting you in. i opened the gates, so to speak.

say what you want, say what you want. i really dont care. no any more, not when nights of sleepless have become common with me.

becouse of you. all becouse of you.

so,. go, run along. live by your fears and such, ill only grow stronger from this point on wards. im facing mine, fuck, mori was right - and yes, im posting that transcript up. im feeling like a little bitch, one of the last things that ill do.

cose im gone from Live Jurnal. ill be around on DA, maybe, maybe even Y!Gallery - maybe not. i dont care for Y!Gallery any more. it was fun while it lasted.

so, run along, go, just go.

hate me if you wish, i dont hate you, i just feel numb. and rather stupid for letting you in.


it was nice knowing ya, but.... times change, you couldnt cope, so you RAN! and ppl say that im the fucking coward. well, your an even bigger coward than me. at lest i try and stand up to myself and not bow do to others, regardless of what it it is.

but that doesnt matter now. you wont heard from me EVER agian.

just know this. i could have been the best thing in your life, but you destroyed that, i had a part in it as well, but i let you see the real me.

big mistake, but whats done is done, and by chance should you read this, dont bother trying to get into contact with me. i wount respond to you all al, or to anyone.

im gone.

i have bigger shit coming my way that i need to train my shadows for, just so that i stand chance in the battle that comeing up.

oh, wait, you might not belive that and sya that im fucking crazy.

what ever. think what you want, truth seer. but know this. the times coming when you will HAVE to pick a side.

you cant stay neutral forever, Sandra.


bie lao~.