broken_envy: (Broken Inside)
[personal profile] broken_envy
Cos I need to do this, and its what i keep this LJ around for.

I dont expect an easy life.

But from the time I was young, its what was given to me. and 'easy' life. A life of materialism. I was the here kid, have a toy to shut up. Thats what it was like for me, and to an extent, my sister. mum did it the most, dad somewhat. But it was mainly mum who did it.

Shao-Lin came to me, and i recall feeling so happy that there was someone who was like me, but everything that i wanted to be. I still dont know why she came, only that she did. Shadow joined us Latter, and we make a triad. A protection Triad.

After i was dx'd it got worse. In a way, i wish, I wish to god that i had never been told. That i didnt know that i had AS. Life.. would have been easier, and harder.

But i knew that i had it, and it hardly bothered me. Mainly as the adults started to pay me more attention, that i want getting my my classmates. And i liked the attention. It was a kind of love, in a way. Not the love that i crave to this day, but a love nonetheless.

And mum started to get distant, and tell me things. like i was a brat. I am not. I am not lazy. I am not anything that she told me. though years of that kind of stuff has cut deeply. Scared me. Hurt me. Made me vulnerable to those who got into the ice walls that i had brought up to protect me from any more hurt.

But then i got my cat, Jack, and everything changed. I had someone who loved me cos of me, who didnt care that i had melt downs or was frightened of the dark ect. He loved me for me. And when i lost him, it hurt, a lot. I lost a part of me that i'll never get back.

I was given things to shut me up, and i was sheltered a lot. By mum, and by Shao-Lin. Rules i had that my sister didnt. Or she faulted her in a way that i wish that i had the guts to. I think that the last time of a very limited number of times that I stood up for myself.. mum backhanded me and i feel down the stairs. I was 16 at the time, just after we has moved into the new house. Shao-Lin had told me time and tim eagain to stand up for myself.

I learnt that day that standing up to yourself doesnt do any good. It only brought me pain. So i stopped doing it. It wasnt getting me anywhere.

I recall the fact that i had to fight tooth and nail to be able to even control what little money that i started to get from centerlink after i turned 16. $375 a fornight. I bought my own PS2 with it. I was so happy.

And then i started to flaunt the rules like i;d seen zoe do. I stopped within a few months as the gains did not outweigh the risks.

the next time i stood up for myself was when i was 18 and fighting to be seen as an adult. And then i left home, only to end up back home a few months later. Mum wasnt happy, she told me that i was still a kid.

I believed her for the longest time. To much freedom at once is to much, or so she said. But i fought in my own way, and started to grow beyond what she could control.

I know the day that i started was when i stoped taking the meds that i was on. I hated them so much. and I have never looked back. Mum attempted to stuff me back on them time and time again, but I never took the bait.

I have grown, but I remain emotionally distant, as i know that i never really had a mother that i could conect with. She was just there. a bitch really who gave me things, then was distant. My sister stands up for me, but i know that she cares and whats to help me as much as she can, in her own way.

Dad is dad. Dad was the one i went to the most to talk to as a kid. cos he listened without judging, he told me that i am me, that i am a very pretty person.

But despite that, i still have trouble with my emotions. I have them, But i dont know how to handle it. I am learning though. slowly, painfully. But i am learning.

And to me, thats all that maters. I buy things as they make me happy, for a time. And then i need more. Love is what i need. I thought that i had it in skye, until she very publicly broke up with me.. in the school canteen on a very packed day. No warning, just out of the blue, or so it seemed. It hurt as, but i am more or less numb to it right now. Then again, i'm almost always numb now. I miss her love, but i cant get it back. :( So i just have to love on.

Only what i believe and know that i can do ultimately matters. The few close friends that i have know this well. They know the storm that is me.

And the know how to deal with it. Or i hope that they do.

As though I can change, I will still fundamentally be me.

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