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[personal profile] broken_envy
Can I forgive and forget?

I dont know.

I dont think so. Not after so long. the resents been building in me and I am so confused.

But after I asked Myself, a lota songs came one and... i dont know... i think that life is giving me another chance, but can i get over the hurt that was done to me? the simple fact that Sandra turned others against me directly, or was the on that kick started a chain reaction is, in my mind, the hardest to forgive, right up there with bowing to peer pressure and others opinions and the lies that were made of me. and the fact that she DARED to call me an art thief when she knows how much i love my art work...

I dont know if I can forgive, or forget that. but i'll be damned if i dont try and reach for the second chance that life is giving me.


I dont know... just see where things go.. and maybe one day... oneday i'll beable to speak with Diana again. Cos i forgave her for the hurt, i forgave myself for hurting her... but..

Skye says that it's going to take time... but things will work out in the end.

I hope that shes right.
cos as much as I love skye, I love diana as well. I love them both, with all my heart. and i'd never want to hurt either of them.

Sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile
The precious moments are all lost in the tide, yeah
They're swept away and nothing is what it seems
The feeling of belonging to your dreams

Listen to your heart
When he's calling for you
Listen to your heart
There's nothing else you can do
I don't know where you're going
And I don't know why
But listen to your heart
Before you tell him goodbye

Every time you get up and get back in the race
One more small piece of you starts to fall into place – yeah
‘Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you’re made of
You might bend ‘til you break
‘Cause it’s all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you’ve had enough
You get mad, you get strong
Wipe your hands, shake it off
Then you stand, then you stand

No hell to discover
I’ve got it all inside myself
Salvation you have preached is gone
No way, you can’t turn it around
Falling apart
There’s nothing real
That will convince me to change but I’ll go through

I'll take you by the hand,
And I'll show you a world that you can understand.
This life is filled with hurt,
When happiness doesn't work.
Trust me and take my hand,
When the lights go out you'll understand.
Anger and agony are better than misery.
Trust me I've got a plan.
When the lights go out you'll understand.

I hate this song, and i love it so much. I dont know why... but maybe i am an asshole... mybe i am a bitch, But I am so very god damned fragil and and you could say that i am cought in the hands of fate every fragging year, many, many times. My trust used to be so hard to get, that when others trusted me, i didnt trust them. But now it seems that the oppsites true, I tust to easily now and others dont. that hurts. It hurts so fucking much.

I never wantted to push anyone away, but i do... simply as by the time that i am ready to trust, I panic. and badly, closing myself off. and then i go into a depression cos i lose friends, and then it just gets worse as I blame myself, and then its twisted around so that its there fault and yea, a lot of the time it is, but sometimes, its mine. the few times that its mine, I panic even more.

I used to hate what I was. I used to hide things, not wanting to be so differant to others. . I often wished that i had never found out about my Aspergers, that mum had never told me the diagnoses. that i had never been diagnosed.

bt i grew to accept it. Just i intictivly accepted that was MPD. Not the typical trumma case either, thats like saying that all Autistics are unabled to read or write or speak. no... I think that my MPD was more or less set from birth for a reson that i dont know yet. but i know that if i was soul whole i would be classed as insane, simply as i would not beable to deel with the Shadows. But thats neither here nor there and i dont feel like spilling my guts any more than I already have.

And for my beloved...
Prison gates won’t open up for me
On these hands and knees I’m crawlin’
Oh, I reach for you
Well I’m terrified of these four walls
These iron bars can’t hold my soul in
All I need is you
Come please I’m callin’
And oh I scream for you
Hurry I’m fallin’

Show me what it’s like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I’ll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I’ll leave this life behind me
Say it if it’s worth saving me

Heaven’s gates won’t open up for me
With these broken wings I’m fallin’
And all I see is you
These city walls ain’t got no love for me
I’m on the ledge of the eighteenth story
And oh I scream for you
Come please I’m callin’
And all I need from you
Hurry I’m fallin’

Show me what it’s like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I’ll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I’ll leave this life behind me
Say it if it’s worth saving me

Hurry I’m fallin’


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January 2009

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