Jul. 10th, 2008

broken_envy: (Default)
Welcome to a world where the air I breathe is mine
There's nothing to overwhelm me and nothing to cloud my mind
Be anyone, do anything I'd ever want to try
Time doesn't exist here

Slip into a world where the air I breathe is mine
There's nothing to overwhelm me and nothing to cloud my mind
Come with me into it and you know what you will find
Time doesn't exist here, we will never die

(Our Own Little World)

I finally told someone.. my dirty little secret that i've hid from everyone as i am so ashamed of this fact. I'd rather it never happened, but it it... The secret is just /how/ close i came to being raped two years ago by a guy *twice my age* when i stupidly went camping with him, alone, on Frasier Is.

And only cos i woke up in a shaking fit from one of the nightmares where I /WAS/ raped and the guy wouldnt listen to me, no mater how freaked out i was. I saw it - in all its detail, it felt so fucking real to me. I felt so violated, so dirty. So used and betrayed. And it didnt help that the guy that fucked with my head in an online relationship that lasted about 6mths was there, twisting everything in his own demented way.

I never told anyone, not even my own mother. How could I tell her that her oldest had made an error and almost paid for it with her virginity? I couldnt. I still cant. I cant even tell my own sister about it.

And it because of that one act, that I push others away if they get to close to me. I freak out, big time and do stupid things. And i honestly hate it. I dont want to, but its a reaction that i cant help. I dont want to be hurt again, so i hurt them first. Cyber rape and being fucked with in head online is one thing, but coming so close to actual rape itself... Is not something that I would wish on anyone.

And this is a secret that i have to keep until I can find a shrink thats willing to talk to me about these issues. I do need to talk to someone, but I'm, so scared of reaching out only to be burnt at the stake for asking for help, no matter how long ago this happened.

Gods above and below, i pray that i'll find the strength to go to a shrink soon.

As I /want/ to get over this hurt so much. I want to move on in my life.

Parts of songs that speak a lot about me and my state of mind.  )


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January 2009

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