Jul. 14th, 2007


Jul. 14th, 2007 01:42 pm
broken_envy: (Default)
Well, ive not being doing much the last few days - mostly in covens - sometimes in name only, but meh.

Ive been chatting with lana a lot lattly - and its getting harder to deny my feelings of lust/love for her. it its more just mutal need really, but im not sure, and i dont really care, what works, works. but i cant aact on them.

as much as i want to, i cant. and it stings as back in the past, me, lana and Fen wher inpartable. we wher a trio and we did play together at times and it was nice, ive cybered with Fen in the room before, and no one really cared - well, He did, but i dont care hwat He things any more, hes no longer part of my life.

I want to cyber with my friends, but i dont want to couse fights tween kiya and I, yet... i think that i know wher i stand with her, i just feel a very strong freindship with her with a hint of lust.  its becomeing clearer to me thats what it is really,.

and... im not really a one operson girl. i just cant be a one person girl. im more a pioly girl and im a bi. i cant live and thrive in a restricting relationship. i just cant.

when i was with  Damien, i was let do what i want, with how i wanted, as long as i kew my place with Him.  if he wanted me, he got me, other wise, i was alowayed to be myself. and i was happy like that.  yes, he might have hurt me and such with his own behind my back cheating m but he atlest let me bemyself and wasnt... clingy.

i did feel a tinge of envy when he was with Brand, but i knew about that and i was fine with it. brands a freind and me and her cybered a few times. im not going to lie - i enjoyed it and i enjoyed the threesoom with me, her and Damien. even if i was pulled into it a bit reluctantly, i was happy. it felt - it felt right. the threesome that is.

and now im starting to get back into my niche in covens and others are worrying for me as im not normally this reseved in covens,. i have been known to be wild at times, flirting and leading the guys on with my tricks. but i cant - im scared that words going to get out and reach Kiya.

kinda pathic really. i mean, i like her as a freind, but,.,, i think thats all. orginally i freinded her as i was looking for more roleplayes, but... she grew on me as a friend and hel;ped me to open up again, and im glad for that,  i really am.  i just... i just see her a freind more than anything now. yes, thers a tiny bit of lust there, but...

im not going to act on it - as i... i dont like clingy ppl. they feel soffacting to me really and i cant deal with that. i cant dea,l with it being full on 24/7.

but, im going to wait a bit longer, just to make sure that what im feeling is right this time. i dont want to lose a freind ship couse of this. 

just like ill hod back my desires for some of my good freinds, like Aqua, Lana, Brand...


broken_envy: (Default)

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