Jun. 21st, 2007

broken_envy: (Default)
Part one....

I am who i am and I have made mistakes.

I dont ask for forgiveness, nor i want it. sentence me all you want, but i just want to have a life.

From the ashed of my Paste self, i will rise again and i will be stronger.

yes, i have made mistakes, and yes, i am hurt, but i do not hate you. it is not in my nature to be hatefull.

yes, i can be spitefull, but not allways, i would rather forgive and forget than dweel on the past. i belive in karma and what you give is what you get.

i know that i havent been the best at all, and for that, i am truely and utterly soory.

there is nothing that i can do or say to make you change your minds, of that i know.

so im just going to try and move on. i have to. i cant sweel in the past, i cant let Her have her way. i cant let it bee known that my mind is fucked up.. that im not who i seem to be.

yes, that right, i dont want it known, but im telling it. im teeling thruth now. im stick of trying to be nice to everyone. im sick of hiding behind myself.

my name is Emma. and i have a secert that i dont like.

i am..... i am Mulitpull personality disordered, i am passive agressive and i have Aspergers syndrom.

i have one side of me that i fear, and that is Zhao. i am awaer of what she does, but i am not/ i cant stop her from being what she is. i dont like her, but she is part of me,. and she is not.

it is hard to explain, so i will link you to here in hopes that i might hel you understand.

i have more in me as well.... i have Kitty, Cassidy and i have Zora. all who are parts of me that have spilited off from the real me. myself.

for those that i have steeped on ther toes. i am sorry. i am sorry that i ever did that. i, Emma, having nothing but respect for you. i am my self and i do share a computer at times with my sister. yes, i do rant and rave to her about things, but i dont ever ask her to go, and flame artists that i respect. she does that on her own and when i find out, im horiified. i am presoanlly horridifyed that its happened. and i dont understand what is going on in her head. maybe its just some thing to try and protect me, but its backfrieng on me. i am.... i dont need protection from her, nor do i want it this time.

i can look after myself.

hah, just a joke really. i cant. i cant even look after myself and protect me from the night mares.

night mares of Him.

DamienA - shit i cant type his name. but he is the one that hurt me. hes mental fucked withj my mind. he hurt me so baddly that i have scres on the inside that can never heal.

he turned me against myself, against what i stood for and what i cared for. i was NOTHING but a pet to him, ro break and belittel and to lead around like a dog. he knew that i was in love with the idea of vampires,. so he used that against me.

the first week or two was fine, but then... thing started to change. he wouldnt be there, and when he was, it was just for his pleasure, his pleasure. he his fucking pleasure only.

buti stayed, as i thought that he could change, that he was just having a bad time in IRL. by the time that i relised that it wasnt.....

i was to far wraped up in his charms to even know.

oh other saw it. they tryed to get me to leave him, but i was turned against them, and, to my regret, and my shame.... i slandered them, just for Damien's pleasure. i lied for Him. i did EVERTHYTHING! ever fucking thing that i could for him. i wecamed for him, i endured the most brutal and detailed cyber rapes - each one more fucking detailed after the other. rapes that haunt me.

he..... he had me.... he had me play a child of FIVE years old once, just to satify is fucking perverseness. he.... he had me play that child, just so that he could rape them. i hated it. i didnt like it but i did it for him. why?

i was.... i was in love with him. i was in love with him and i was blind to his faults.

i was dragged thur heal and back and it hurts still. i was scared and i am still am.

i.... i regrete that it happened and i wish that i could was the pain and the shame away, but i cant.

so im telling you all this now. why?

as it needs to be told.

i have to get it off my chest.

i cant cry any more as ive cryed myself out now. i cant cryy as im numb inside, still very much broken.

i might RP mindfucks and rapes and other shit, but io am always scared of it, yet i hold my head high and i do my best. i use RPing as a form of threrpy.

yes, not the smartest thing to do, but,... it helps me.

Stay tuned for part two when i can write it dow and arnt saking that much... and ill post up the vidoes as well with the last one.


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