Apr. 7th, 2007

broken_envy: (Default)

after much bullying, nagging, whining and death threats to my gate muse...


the only rifts that will stay open are those that have opened up for RPs [you know who you are] but once they are closed they will STAY CLOSED TO KEEP THE WORLDS APART. unless [livejournal.com profile] invidia1988 and I agree to keep it open for what ever reason.

this so that I and [livejournal.com profile] invidia1988 can focus on our RP and keep our muses on the right path and not let them get obsessions with other muses NOT FROM THEIR WORLD. that and we have pairings to officially get together, plot to get up to date, a war with Creta to kick start and we have to get Rhys staying in his own world and NOT running off to fuck every pretty boy he sees.

Current families in Our Sec Gen world:
Archers - Fem!Roy/Archer family [ Calista, Charlton, Alexandria, Francis.]
Roy/Cretan spy [Sebastian Nefis]
Roy/Drachman woman [Toby Lied]
Roy/Drachman spy [Anatshan Da'goth]
Fem!Kimblee/Greed family [ Rhys, Ryan, Avaricia, Genvia, Katlyn, Avarice, Giez]
Greed/Female alchemist [Alexis Geige]
Riza/Havoc family [ Bianca, Elisa.]
Fem!Envy/Edward family [Zac, Sean]
Winry/Al family [Carmen]
Scar/Lust family [Abigail]
Gran Family - [Raymond]

Im not sure if it'll open when the sec gen FMA are older - most likely will when the oldest third gen kid is in her mid twenties. maybe it will, maybe not.

the reason this is done is so that muses stay in the own worlds, and dont get lost. Rhys is currently under Death Threat for all the headaches he has caused me.

yes, That Death threat. Being killed off in the RP and ceasing to exist.

now, im off to go colour that pic now that all the muses are locked up bar one Male!Archer and one male!Kimblee.


Apr. 7th, 2007 06:00 pm
broken_envy: (Broken Inside)
I hate emotions right now. i hate them so much.

i dont... i dont wanna be me. i dont wanna be someone that all fucks up life and what not. i dont want to be... i hate myself.

i feel like this often, i blame myself and then i look back on the past an i think.. what if.. what if this had happened, what if i had done this, said this, shown interest in this...'

sometimes i just want to turn back time, hack into life's files and change things that i did.

i have things that im not proud off. Starting when i was 16... i have done things to get attention, attention that i crave. things that im not proud off. things that i would CHANGE if i could. but i cant.

at the age of 16, i started to poke my nose into the dark world of online BDSM... i think that i fucked up the next few years of life because of that. i went by the nik shadowslave on the chat room - got involved with a man more than twice my age online, had lots of cyber sex. but i never showed any one my face. never. as i was scared and i didnt want to get them into trouble.

then a friend of mine that was controlling and possessive and tried to run my life and succeeded in making me believe things - found out and used that against me. so i pulled out. and i pulled out of the friend ship soon after as well.. Lindsey was to damn controlling.

then after i turned 18, i got all high and mighty and rebellious and joined up a site for adults. i meet a age from Sydney there. two months down the track, when camping with him and THANK THE GODS for this, i was not raped. the man came on to me, but i said that i wasnt ready to take it to trhat leavel. the next week i cut off from him, he was trying to get me to move in with him in Sydney. i wasnt ready and i didnt want anything to do with him. he was a DOCs officer as well.

then i meet another man and he took things more slowly, we had a few meet ups, then he offered to give me somewhere to stay for a few months free of charge while me and mum had our arguments and flare ups. That was the time that i got back into FMA and started to lurk on LJ. now i wish that i didnt lurk, that i HAD commented on that one pic around June last year and not been a stupid, chicken. that i wish that i had, that i had had the guts to say that i had been instantly bunnied from it, i wish that i hadnt created the family of Leonitus and then stuck him away like the big chicken that i am. the big chicken that hasnt got any guts in me.

im not proud of that time, as i was niave and scared and pissed off at the world. and i didnt know it, but i was missing things, i was to focused on the shit that i was digging myself into online than in the world around me.

after that, i moved back in with mum and then nanna and grandpa died. i was cold and emotionless and i tryied to disconnect from the world. i was hurting inside and i was in denial. it was only as the hearse was driving away at the funeral that i broke down crying, i cried for a long time, and i still cry. i miss nanna and grandpa and grandpas jokes. i miss them. the day of the funeral... i can still recall crying so hard that i cried myself out and then kept crying.

sometimes, i cant help but think that i fucked up life for me and those around me with my stupidity and attention seeking.

but then again, i know that ive fucked myself up, ive gone - on the inside, from naive and clueless to bitter, angry, hopeful, wanting, repressed, not so naive and to feeling not good enough for the world.

oh, wait, thats not all. im a cutter. i have been since i was 14. i cut when i am depressed, cant cope, cant deal and when i feel like shit thats been beaten down to the point wher even other shit beats it down even more. to the point where i fell WORTHLESSLY WORTHLESS.

thers a song - 3/4 in fact that are my theme songs for my life so far. Feel, Good enough, gravity of love and Darkness. i hear these songs and i start to cry. i start to cry as there so ME. there so my life.

there posted in the order that that they speak of me. Whats in BOLD ITALICS is what really hits me hard. Bold is what is true to me as well and UNDERLINE gets me somewhat as well.
The Songs )

I feel so bleh right now... im going to go back to drawing.


Apr. 7th, 2007 07:32 pm
broken_envy: (Default)
Just a small Ryan/Zac fic thing.

Set near the end of the Cretan War in Invidia1988 and my RP. Cross posted to my Y!Gal.

Welcome back, My love. )


broken_envy: (Default)

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